(Not) So Lucky!

I was once  told that to the Chinese, drawing the numbers "666" - is considered a Lucky thing..    So I was all smiles when this happened to be the number I drew at the Post Office this morning...

Sadly, it is not to be so for me... So far, nothing has been going my way... From my packages not arriving... To not being able to get my replacement credit card mailed out to me... To nit being able to get Lucky enough to order something online - though I thought I was being quite fast in ordering... And this n that in between that should have been simple enough but proving to be trying...

Oh well, not much else one can do if one is giving it their best right... This time around just need to SMILE and Accept the fact that some things are just out of my hands...

============

Later in the early Evening, decided to quit the work and the worrying been doung all day and relive the frustrations with a looong walk... Great Decision as it works for me each and everytime...

Under one of the Busiest Freeways of Taipei!

Entrance to Raohe Street Night Market

Raohe Temple

And the scenic view from the Rainbow Bridge, Dajia Riverside Park.

Frustrated but Very Much Thankful!!!

aaaaaah, what a day.....   nothing truly major went wrong but maybe today being Thanksgiving, everything felt more frustrating and trying.....

 

started last nite really... after babysitting a very sick Juju - had to rush to Carrefour to get more packing tape - still have a lot of mailings to do for today....  though it was raining I ran to Carrefour at 11:40PM - open 24 hours - Yes, but not last nite!!!  For some reason they decided to be closed early last nite....  so I ran back home empty handed - in the rain!!!

 

Was about to jump in the shower when I realized there was no water....   Nothing!!!   A bit from the kitchen sink - just enough to wash my face and brush my teeth - but nothing anywhere else....   too late to do anything I slept it all off....

 

This morning I woke up early - so I can run to Carrefour and get what I needed before the Postal Truck comes to pick up my mailings... still have a few to pack...  Turned on the faucet in the bathroom, HOPING - and yes, we got some water back....  FREEZING WATER That is!!!  the Hot Water Boiler is not getting enough water to warrant any to come out....  WAAAAH!!!    Washed up with what I have and dealt with my work at hand... got my much needed packing tape... finsihed packing more goods to ship out...  then it was back in the rain to deliver and ship my box to the International Courier.... and rushed back in time for the Postal Truck to come and pick up my mailings....  As you all know - waiting is not a virtue of mine - so I was sooooo frustrated when 2 hrs after the pick up time passed and they still have not come.....   MORE WAAAAAH!!!

 

Eventually all got done...   Mailings got picked up....   the rain stopped....  and the water pumped got fixed (Thanks Juju's Daddy for being such a Handy Man!)...   all is well again....   and took a looong afternoon walk to get rid of all the frustrations out....  looked at some XMas displays....  sat and had coffee outside - and just watched happy people go by....   All the while thinking - all these things happening now much be life's little jokes on me....   and I know I could handle it all - with a SMILE even!!!

 

Then something wonderful happened, amidst all the Personal Messages/ Emails I was dealing throughout the day - I got one from a friend in The Philippines, Isabel Casas - enclosed is a photo of some beautiful Rosaries that she had picked up for me on her recent trip to the Holy Land...  Without me asking for anything, and just casually knowing I collect Rosaries - she picked a few up for me.  MUCH TO MY SURPRISE!!!  This totally erased all the frustrations I felt since last night.... and the heavy heart becomes light as air once more....

   This just proves what I've always known all along - that there is

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!!

By the Hair on my Skin!!!

Whoah!   3 days without entries... not that there were none to be Thankful for - just too much on my plate... and on the mind....  been wrestling with soooooo much...  emotional and mental baggage....   on top of work and the daily grind which is called Life....  sometimes things really leave me CONFUSED or WONDERING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE???

 

 

All came to a HALT today - all day long the mind was elsewhere - thinking of too many things that left me mentally and emotionally wasted.... one minute I was just doing my daily chores, then next am an emotional wreck...  Guess left on my own, am bound to really STOP, TAKE A LOOK and LISTEN TO MY THOUGHTS....  and of late, they are just TOO SAD.....  

 

Even almost got run over this afternoon...  I knew that without fail when crossing streets, I always look to the right, then the left, then the right again....   it's a NO BRAINER - but for some reason that is not what happened today....  a car stopped just to my left side - just missing me by the hair of my skin...   okay, I do not think I would have died as it was a residential area - so the car was not moving too fast.... but fast enough to warrant a really loud screeching from breaking....  WHEW!!! 

Needless to say, that left me frazzled even more for the rest of the evening....   so to try and calm down and sooth the soul, I took a loooong walk by the river, Dajia Riverside Park - always a GREAT place for a walk on breezy clear nites....  it TRULY soothes the Soul and makes one forget about everything else... just nice to take in the lovely lighted pathways....   people happily walking, running, biking....  and taking in the Fresh Clean Air!!!

 

==============================

THANKFUL.12: COFFEE BREAKS

-always a nice treat to get that extra boost of caffeine in the afternoon... Nice way to break the work day... And in Taipei, one can never run out of choices - lots of coffee/cafe havens here!!!

======================

THANKFUL.13: Good Food with Great Friends

-Especially when everyone's schedule is such that  finding a time for a Get Together with (almost) all is quite trying....

 

 

when is it my turn?

"Look in the mirror
Now that's another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell"

 

-"What You Are" by Jewel

 

At the Gym yesterday and was listening to the music in my iPhone...  it was set on SHUFFLE - so it was randomly playing songs... now and again hear songs I have not heard in a long time but obviously, I like or it would not even be there to begin with....

 

Then this song of Jewel's from a few years back played.... it hit me like a hammer hitting a nail...  had to play it again... and again... and again....  listening to the lyrics.. dissecting the lyrics....  and really feeling them....  relating to them....   got me thinking all night long and even all day long today...  so I decided to put my thoughts into here....

============

Maybe it is MIDLIFE CRISIS....  maybe something else...  but now and again, I end up stopping myself at my tracks and starts wondering where my life has been, where it is going....  I know I have always put others before myself....  put their well being...  put their happiness....   Since I can remember, I think and worry about my family all the time...  worry for loved ones and friends....   and at times, even strangers....   help when I can....  give what I can....    it is just who I am...  and it is something I just accepted in my life, and never questioned...  till now....

The last couple of years, with all that I went through with my family, especially Mom...  and with all that I go through with work, and  in my personal life, I just feel so worn out....   tired not just physically but emotionally and mentally , as well...  feeling a bit lost as to what is there for me....  what is left for me....

 

I just felt that the last few years, it was all about taking care of people...   taking care of Mom when in Manila....  and then coming back to Taiwan to take care of work, Juju, and even David...  I was feeling no rest....  PHYSICALLY drained.....   Then I worry about work....  what has been going on...  worry about the money, or lack of it, coming in....  at the same time, having Mom's medical bills hanging over my head....  this made me MENTALLY drained...  And last but certainly not the least, the personal torture....   feeling lost....   feeling sooooo alone....   that with all that i have to deal with, I really had no one to run to....  shouldering on everything - mentally, physically, financially - this made me EMOTIONALLY drained....

 

After Mom's passing, I thought I would get a bit of rest....  that I could take off for a few months - take a breather and sort many things out - but this is not to be....   How silly of me to think that after Mom passes away, all will be sorted out and all will fall into place....   I did not think that, though I no longer have to think of where and how to raise the funds for her monthly Medical Bills, I would still have to deal with all that was accrued during her battles with cancer...  and then some....  and with business being the way it is lately, I am left feeling so TIED DOWN....  as if FREEDOM is no longer in my grasp....   I have nothing but RESPONSIBILITIES hovering over my head, like dark clouds...

 

How NAIVE of me to think that I could just up and go and take a breather....  to live life for myself, for a change...  to rest not just physically but mentally by not having to think of anyone else for a chance....  just think of myself...  do what makes me happy, or just do nothing at all...  my LIFE right now does not warrant me to be SELFISH....   I am in no financial state to just up and go...  take off for a few months, much more a year... 

 

Though I accept this for the most part, I still wish differently....  I still wish I could just up and go....   For now, I just deal....  go with the flow - as I always do in life....  living day to day with just one main goal: To do what is needed to make $$$ and pay off all bills and be FREE from it all....  and filling my in between days with going to the Gym, running and/or swimming to stay healthy and focused....    

 

all the while, hoping more for myself....  

 

Lost In Translation: Sept 18, 2012

Yesterday was just one of those days where I should have known better - just stayed in bed and skip the day altogether....   LOL!   It was nothing major really, just little things that added up making for one really tiring - mentally and physically - in a very weird way day...

 

Oddly enough, it started off pretty well....  had a nice sleep... got up early...  had my coffee and started answering emails and doing work as I wait for a COURIER SERVICE delivery...  always schedule them the first half of the day - so I can go about my other BIZ on the second half...  and it was to be a full schedule day....  well, almost 12 pm and they have yet to arrive...   so I called to see where they were and to get an update....   well, instead of telling me  arriving, the delivery guy ranted on and on what a trying day they were having....  after about 5 mins of him yapping and me not getting an answer, I stopped him from talking and ask bluntly, "Sir, pls just tell me what time you think you will be arriving?  How much longer before I can expect you?"   To which he replied with the same rants and went over the same crap again from the beginning...  LOL....  had to stop him again and told him not to bother coming and I will instead look for a different service....  and hung up....  he called back, not to apologize but to once again, explain the same ship - I totally blew my fuse - but instead of shouting, I just hung up and not pick up his calls anymore....  DONE WITH THAT!

 

Then it was one after another little miscommunications with different peeps...  from the local 7-11 people to my dinner companions...  somehow we ended up, yes at COLDSTONE where we are to meet - except in two different Department Stores - quite far away from each other...  adding to the frustration was the fact that I was pushing Juju's stroller the whole time, to give them relief from having to carry Juju around....   So instead of hooking up, I decided to just have dinner on my own and call it a night....

 

One after another, indeed....  which left me feeling of something amiss, or that am missing something... and worse, maybe my command of Chinese was not as good as I thought....  waaaaah....

=======================

Anyway, today is another day... here's hoping it will turn for the better and I do not end up feeling like an ASS again...  and as it is HUMP DAY we will go with the ASS theme end leave you with Jake Cuenca's ASS EXPOSURE at the recently concluded BENCH UNIVERSE 2012 Fashion Show!

=================================

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness

and just be happy.” 

 

what Makes a Man???

Just last week, I have been told that: "... I’m a thousand times more a man than you can ever dream you’d be. What I’ve accomplished in life you can’t even accomplish in your dreams."   Hmmmmm....

This got me really thinking....  what does make a man???   Is it really having kids, a wife, a husband, a Partner?  Being able to PROVIDE for them?  Having a stable job?  Is it all about being able to buy a House?  Drive a Car?   Joining the Service and fighting for your country?  

 

I suppose, it is all that - for some....   let's even say for most....   But does it make me a lesser man, a thousand times less to be exact, that I do not have any of those...  that I did not do any of those....  nor I even dream most of those.... 

 

Still, am sure it counts, and correct me if you feel am wrong, that I lived my life as HONEST as I could...  trying throughout, as best I could, not to hurt anyone or anything as I struggle my way through life....   supported myself through college and beyond....   traveled and seen as much of the world as I could.... all of these on my own hard earned money....   followed my dreams, gambled in life, and put up my own business....  made somewhat of a name for myself....   and tried to give back in any way I could - be it giving to charities, donating my time and whatever else I could.....  

 

I live life as full as I know how, and care to.....   had my heart broken a few times and still chose to love again instead of losing hope...  have more people in my life I can TRULY call friends, instead of fake friends....   can still count on my one hand whom I truly consider as my enemy....   love most everyone for the most part...  always giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt and never be judgemental....  Help out friends and family, in anyway I can... and provided for my parents, whenever asked, and especially in the hours of their needs - to their dying breath  - without them having to ask... or worse, beg....  

 

So, if any of these does not make one a man - then most everyone I know also  have failed in becoming one....  but STILL, am Proud of whatever accomplishments I have made in my life - no matter how small they are in other people's eyes....   Proud of all the loves, the friendships & family I have made, I have had, I still have.....   Proud of all the things I ahve done and choices I ahve made..... Proud of all the memories and experiences I have accumulated all these years - pain and struggles included, as they are part of what makes us who we are...  what MAKES US MEN!

 

So you can take your house, your family, your life's convictions, your false perfection, and blind perception of what makes a happy family, a happy life  - they are yours... they are what makes you a man... but your words do not belittle me....   I do not, nor will I ever, accept that you are a thousand more a man than I am....  than I will ever be...  because for all your reasoning - you were never there for me growing up in any way - physically, emotionally, & least of all, financially....  and now that I am grown up, I choose not to have you in my life....  not that I did not give you a chance - as I did... but time and time again, you have proven yourself unworthy of my time, my support, my love....

 

Instead, I choose to live my life same as I always have - without regrets, surrounded by loving and positive people - friends & family...  take life with it's UPS & DOWNS....   happiness and sorrows...  triumphs and frustrations....   and through it all, Be Proud Of the Man I Have Become!!!

 

"What Makes a Man a Man, A friend once wondered. Is it his origins, the way he comes to life?

I don't think so. Its the choices he makes; not how he starts things

but how he decides to end things."

-Guillermo Del Toro

BLIND PERCEPTION

"To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another." 

~John Burroughs

Once cannot really control what others PERCEIVE as TRUTH....  this can be EXCUSABLE if they are MISINFORMED or NOT INFORMED at all...  but when that PERSON TWISTS TRUTHS, or even worse, MAKE UP TRUTHS to fit their own reality - then it is quite INEXCUSABLE... 

 

No good could come of this... No Resolutions to Anything... and NO COMMON GROUND could ever be had...  So it is BEST to just LET IT BE... KEEP QUIET... MOVE ON....  and WASTE my time to much more WORTHY THINGS....  and PEOPLE.....

 

NO Gf*Bf for me...

Yesterday turned out to be a bit of a frustrating day....  nope it was not the back to work blues or anything to do with the weather...as a matter of fact, yesterday, the sun shone brightly....  it was actually HOT to be out so I decided to escape by taking in a movie...

Of course the movie of choice is Gf*Bf....  I was afraid that I had missed it already by being away when it opened back on the 3rd of this month....   but was quite HAPPY to see that it is still playing....   was soooo excited I rushed to the WARNER VILLAGE area to catch the film....  even on my own....    I was soooo disappointed to find out that the film had no English Subtitles....  as I asked the Ticketer before purchasing my ticket - just to be sure....   I cannot even say how HEARTBROKEN I am when I walked away from the theatre....  such a disappointment...  Been so excited about seeing this film since I have heard about it months ago....  been totally anticipating it....

I mean, if it was one of those Comedy or Sci-Fi, Graphic induced film - I would not even hesitate...  but I felt with this kind of relationship drama and touches of the Taiwan Revolution - I would definitely need the English Subtitles to get all of it....  not just parts.... besides would not want to miss any important lines....  and the thing that gets me is that, this movie has been making the International Film Festival rounds lately - so you would think that there is already a copy with English subtitles playing....  not to mention, lately, most if not all, Taiwanese movies have English Subtitles.... 

Oh well... I guess will just have to wait for the DVD release and hope that it WILL have the English Subtitles....  Too bad as it seems like the kind of movie you would want to experience in the BIG SCREEN - with other movie goers....  :(

In Loving Memory: Mom

On the morning of May 24th, about 5:55AM, Mom passed away....   quietly in her own hom....  yes it was expected, as on the 20th - I ahve finally agreed to keep her off the Breast Cancer Medicine she had been taking for a little over a year....  Expected, but nonetheless a total shock as it came just waty too fast....  in my mind I was thinking, was hoping that we will still have, at least another month with her... 

I arrived on the 17th and was shocked to see the condition she was in....  so frail....  could not move at all as each movement meant screams of pain....   she looked so drawn and sooooo lacking of sleep.....   she has lost lots of weight from not being able to eat anymore....  she tosses and turns...  and cries every 5 mins or so..... with each cry a plea to stop the pain....  stop the suffering....  and now and again, a plea, a wish to see her other children.....  and when she calms down, she talks of being ready... that when DEATH comes for her, then she is already more than willing to accept and go....

This wish of her came true in the forms of my older sis, Rowena (along with her Hubby BR)  and my half sister Barbara....  they happened to have both come on the same day....  spending a bit of time with Mom....  which in turn, made her happy.... and I was, too, as I knew these visits are the kind of visits she looks forward to....  and adds life in her....  we gave her pain medications and sleeping pills around 7PM - hoping it will help give her some rest.....   it took a while to take effect - signs that the doctor said meant she is in her last days....   I stayed up with her till about 3AM...  when she seemed to have calmed down a bit....   and actually fell into sleep......  I went upstairs and got some shut eyes...  leaving her with Ate Malou, her caregiver that stays up with her in the middle of the nite....

a little before 6AM, I was awaken by my stepfather calling out my name.... he in turn was awoken by Ate Malou...   Mom, quietly passed away in her sleep....  I help her hands and wept....  stroked her head, all the while saying: "Rest Now My Dear Mom...  Be with your parents, siblings and love ones who have also moved on....  I Love You...."    I wept some more....  stopped for a little bit to call my Sister and inform her...  and notified my other siblings and family....  and stayed with my Mom for a bit more before I gather myself up to arrange all the funeral services....  all the while weeping.....

UNPREPARED

of course!   no matter how I have been, supposedly, preparing myself for this time - I still find myself unprepared and lost....

almost a month now have gone by since I was in Manila last....   the time when I heard from my Mom's lips that" "she had made Peace with the Lord... and that if it's her time already, she is more than prepared..."  words that I said to myself will make me decide to also let go and let nature take it's course with her condition....   in other words, stop with the Cancer medicines that has been prolonging her life....

I had till the 5th of this month, when the pills would have run out....   I was tortured, day in and day out, all the days... trying to decide what to do...   trying to prepare myself even more....  still, am not....  when the time came, I still broke down and sent money to my stepfather for my Mom's meds....

But now, it is truly out of my hands....  been on the phone with them constantly, while am trying to do my work in Taipei....   besides, no matter where I am, my thoughts are always back in the Philippines....  with my Mom....  always on the phone just monitoring her condition from afar....   talking with her just to make her feel she is loved and not sooooo alone....   to assure her that her children, no matter how far away and how busy, still thinks of her and love her in each our own way....

the last few weeks, her condition has been deteriorating...  eating less and less.... and in pain more and more....   and the last few times I have called, not only my stepfather - but my Mom herself had been telling me that she is in soooo much pain and that she cannot take anymore...  in her words: "what medicine can I NOT TAKE anymore - so as to not prolong this suffering..."   words that put me in tears, each and every time....  and put me in a depressed state....  not really having any family to discuss these matters with, am left feeling all alone and lost... 

today, when I called, I was told by my stepfather that her right side, where she is affected more by the breast cancer, has finally given in...  no longer can she move her right side... not the arm, not the legs.....  and this sent her into a more depressed stage....   and this idea alone makes me feel so very sad for my Mom....  I can only imagine how even low her morale is....    and it really does not help that no one has visited her since I was there last....  since moving to her new home, no friends or family has come to see her....  a sad fact but something I cannot change - and not from NOT TRYING....  no one even bothers to talk with me about what is going on with her....   so I just accept all these, and just  try to make my Mom not feel so unwanted - as much as I can, however I can....

so now, her cancer meds is good  till about the 20th of May....  she is told that they are there and it is very much up to her if she wants to take them or choose not to - everything up to her and how she feels.....  that all will be just OK with us....  A LIE on my part but am RESPECTFUL of her decision....   no matter how I look at things, no matter how I  tell myself that in the long run she is better off as it means her suffering will be less and shortened - a big part of me is still struggling with the thought...  the thought that her end is getting nearer and nearer....  Selfish on my part, but I do admit that the idea of being Motherless paints such a sad, sad photo in my life....   but one I must ACCEPT and FACE....  not for myself, but for my Mom.... 

such is life....

The last few days since coming back from Manila has been TRULY up and down....   have had sooo many mood swings I cannot even tell at times that am crying while talking with others....  embarrassing, indeed....

Trying to keep myself busy - doing all that is needed to be done...catching up.....  and even giving myself new projects....  and playing with Juju....  still, in between all of these, all my thoughts are on my MOM and the decision to be made.....  as we get closer to the end of the month, am getting even more lost to a point am getting anxiety bouts....  if only I can slow the days down..... 

Aaaaah but such is Life....  we make do with the cards handed to us....  we deal with all as best we could.....  and just Hope for the Best!

on borrowed time

So am back from another week in Manila....  and as always, am I left Manila with a heavy heart and teary eyes....  more so this time....   as this trip left me with a very hard decision to make...  one that am not even sure I can make....

I arrived in Manila Sunday at the break of dawn...  took a 3 hr nap... got up and did some grocery shopping and headed on to see my Mom...  my cousin, Rounette, Nicole, and Arnold drove me and my groceries....     the minute we arrived, tears were already flowing down on my Mom's cheeks....  and of course, mine soon followed...

My Mom has gotten skinnier again.... and the luster in her eyes have disappeared.... try as she might to muster strength - there is just so much she can do.... and for the most part, she sits, she lays down, she stares, she cries.... all in the same chair she is on....  the same one she has been on she we bought it last Christmas....  though it was doing it's job before in alleviating my Mom's bedsoreness - it has come now to a point, where even here she cannot stand to be on.....  not for too long....

Am told by my stepfather that she has not been eating much the last couple of week's before my arrival...  she just cries from too much pain....  and sleeps, if she is lucky, a total of 6 hrs a day....  most of the time she just stares into space - that is if she is not crying or screaming from the pain....  she asks for her children - but sadly no one is really around....  and though I try to see her as much as I can - there are times that I too, cannot - due to my own obligations here in Taiwan...  work or otherwise....  To this - I feel soooooo GUILTY...  it eats me up most nights....

Anyway, this last trip is killing me emotionally....  am now having to face a decision that I was hoping will never ever have to come....   but has....  to continue giving my Aromassin or not.... shstill takes this pill each day....  the steroids induced Breast Cancer Pills possibly is the  only thing prolonging her life....  making her seem as if she is not sick on the outside, while on the inside, her cancer is falling apart and spreading more severely...   the main lump on her breast that had gotten severe and will never heal, has gotten bigger - increased in size with little ones even surrounding it....  on her back I can feel so much hardness from more lumps trying to come out....   her right side where the original lump is, has gotten so swollen - arm to foot.....   her spinal cord seems to be sooo crooked now - maybe from the position she has been in, that it is even hard for her to keep her head straight....  God only knows what of her other internal parts...

She still refuses to go to the hospital....  it is not for her, she says...  but now and again when the pain is too unbearable we manage to bring her there - just so she can get a shot and drip to keep her calm and puts her to sleep....  the stongest pain killers she has been taking, though taking the maximum numbers each day, at most times fails to do their job and she just writhes in pain....  and there is no other choice but to drag her to the hospital and get her stronger medicine to soothe her pain...

I hate seeing my Mom this way... I always question what we are doing....   how my Mom could stand it all....  and what thoughts runs through her per the condition she is in....   and often, my thoughts are confirmed as my Mom, herself, would tell me how unbearable it is for her knowing she will never heal again....  or be lively again, even lively eough to go to the toilet on her own...   I jusy try to soothe her in any way I can... and hope that the pain will not become even more unbearable....

Anyway to make the long story short, this time around, my Mom told me the following:
-She is in so much pain and cannot stand it anymore...
-Has already told the Lord that she is ready - if the Lord feels that it is her time to go already - then she is in acceptance...
-and Lastly, that at times, she really does not want to take her pills anymore - as she does not want to prolong her suffering....

So what do I do now....   I know before I kept telling myself, I could never stop giving her the pills that prolongs her life - even if I have to Beg, Steal and Borrow for the $$$ I still will find a way to get her the pills.....   That I would only stop if the time comes that she asks me to herself, as she can no longer take the pain and suffering....   and now the time has come, and all I can do is cry....  how do I decide such a thing???   This trip is soooooo unbearable that I could not even get myself to look at my Mom on my last day - afraid of breaking down, afraid to see her in so much pain, and afraid of the decision I have to make.....

I really have no one to turn to but myself... no one else to ask...   not even her husband who is still very much in denial of my Mom's true conditions... and in turn, their son - my half brother, is in denial, as well - I feel.......  when I talk to them, when am even able to - all I get are  blank stares and/or tears...  my older sister, who has always been a strong person,  has offered to take the weight off of me (Thank You, Sis!) - but I cannot get myself to agree....  I feel if I do then it is just basically deciding to stop giving my Mom her meds already....  so it is tearing me apart right now....  I am at a loss....  so scared remembering that back in OCT, when she ran out of the meds and no one told me - only 4 days without the pills and she already looked as if she is on her last breath....  the pills keeps her living on borrowed time...

So how do I decide such a thing?   all these times that am supposed to be getting myself ready is of no help....  it is as if, am hearing about her Cancer for the first time again....   How do I decide to stop giving her the pills and not feel as if I helped her die???  Will i really be relieving her of fering or robbing her of a bit more life here on Earth?  ...here with us?   My Mom has pills till about the first week of May...   so I have till then to make this agonizing decision...   and agonize I will for the next few weeks.....    I know that my GUILT will eat me up - as much as making this decision is torturing me - to a point that it is killing me....  

But I know I MUST... for my Mom...  

My Mom with her hubby in the back, her grandson (Half-brother's son), Shobe and I

Moody Monday

Starting the week off a bit put off, really.....   such a shame as it is a beautiful Monday too....  just hope this is not an indication of the week to come....  Must Shake It All Off!

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Anyway,  here's why...

The last couple of days I have been having my own kind of fun, looking through my TRAVEL albums - as far back as the mid 80's....   looking through them... reminiscing.....  seeing old friends....  and basically reminding myself of all the places I have been the last decade and a half....  and thinking of all the people I have met, and beutiful places I have seen....

I enjoyed it soooooo much that I decided to create an album for them in my Facebook account...   to share them with my friends.... and especially with the ones that had been part of my many travels....  I came to realise that not everyone share my sentiments for old photos....  when sharing them with someone this morning, I was replied to with not just a sour look but with a really sad remark: "you look at your photos then - and you look at yourself now - and you can be Happy?"   OUUUUUCH!!!  And here I was, enjoying the photos - not even focusing on what I look like then or now....  :(  

It really bothered me the whole morning....  but as with every other negative things that comes into my life - i learn to be quiet...  and let go of it all....  so am over it....  over it in fact, to a point, that I will continue posting my photos for my pleasure and the pleasure of others who enjoys them, too....  and just let others be as miserable as they want to be.... 

off to a NOT-SO-GOOD Start...

This Year of the Dragon is TRULY shaping up to be another TRYING YEAR for me....   maybe this year, I will not be getting a break at all........  WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Am flying out again tonight for Manila....  must tend to so many things....  was hoping I would not need to till the end of the month but alas, such is not to be so.....  matters have to be dealt with and so off I go later tonight....

Recently, over the weekend actually, I found out that my Mom's older brother has Terminal Cancer, as well... :(   And it seems that the disease has totally taken control and his health is waning by the day....   comes as a shock to me, to us all, as we did not even know he is suffering from Cancer...  but apparently he has been and at a faster rate now.....  We just saw him back in July and though he looked older, he was still fine... up and about... and sharp as a nail....   hearing him, my Mom, and my Aunt (their youngest sister)talked and reminisced about their lives was music to my ears....   

So now, how do I even tell my Mom this?   She has been asking for her brothers and sister to come and visit her - so what now?    Am told that my Uncle wishes to not let my Mom know, as he is afraid of her frail condition....  am Torn....  I understand the reasoning but at the same time, she should have the right to be able to say goodbye to him, as well...  like all of us...

***Haiiis....  first my Mom with Cancer... and now my Uncle.... not to mention their other brother passed away at a younger age in a Cancer related disease, as well....  all these leads me to worry even more...  Life is sooo FRAGILE! 

 (Special Thanks to Juliana for keeping me Grounded....    You are correct... need not worry too much over these matters....   All as it should be... the Power of Positivity!)

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On top of it all, all my shipments have been delayed.....both the ones coming from Japan as well as China....   the Holidays....  Shipping Complications.... all added up to the delays in their arrival... and a big source of my frustrations.....  Been waiting for them to come so I can process and ship them out before my regular Mom visit....  but, it is NOT to happen....  AM STILL WAITING!!    So I cannot wait anymore and must  leave tonight... back in a week's time - hopefully with all the shipments already in Taiwan - and I can just catch up processing and shipping them out....

Sometimes, am really just too tired...  I mean, I can pretty much deal with the Physical aspect of it all but the Emotional and Mental Roller Coaster tend to be too much, at times, and gets to me....   but I know I MUST CHUG along through it all....  SUCH IS LIFE, as I ALWAYS say.... 
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On a POSITIVE NOTE:   am glad that my Dad's Mausoleum had been painted - FINALLY!    I got the materials and my sis had her people do the work...  now it is good as fresh again... and not looking sorry, as I found it when I visited last month....  nothing like a fresh coat of paint, some curtains, and lots of loving to brighten up the place and make it look like people actually do care.....

If only I could take away the pain..

3AM: Wide awake once more.. Caressing my Mom's head as she falls in and out of sleep... She fell asleep on the new sleeper about9:30pm  , I stayed with her till 11pm and since she did not wake, I went to sleep..

Woke up at midnite as I hear her calling out my name... she was, is, in so much pain...  And we could not give her another pain medicine as she just took one before sleeping... So I sit with her, tell her stories, caress her head, make her laugh - all in hopes that she can forget the pain and rest comfortably... 

Now she is asleep again, but she wakes and cries out now and again... am letting her hubby sleep so he can get a bit of rest, too.. 4AM: my Stepfather is finally awake... Now it is my turn to sleep for a few hours...

TORN... but HOPEFUL.....

Since Mom was rushed back to the Hospital for a second time this month, it has been somewhat HELLISH for me the last few days.....   not thinking too clearly, not being able to focus, and worse of all, not sleeping well....   somehow I just keep feeling something is amiss...  of course, most of it is due to the fact that all mu thoughts are with my Mom and what she is going through right now....

She suffered a mild stroke...  incapable again of even getting up from her bad without help from anyone...  and for that matter, it is just her husband - my stepfather - who is with her...  and at times, the kind neighbours, helping to put her to sleep or just to watch her for a bit to relieve my stepfather....  He is really having a hard time of it all right now, and I can only IMAGINE the thoughts going through his mind - as to see your partner of so many years, the mother of your child deteriorate each and everyday.....  For all his suffering and kindness to my Mom - I Thank Him!  Though we never really had any kind of a relationship, nor did I really ever get to know him, I Thank and Appreciate all that he is doing for my Mom - and all of it for Love....  this gives me even more Comfort and Hope....  More than I can say for some other family that should be there - even just emotionally....  but I will refrain now from saying anything about them....  must keep thinking of the Positive parts of what is going on now....

Last night was another looong nite for me....  I was even on the phone with them well past 1AM...   my Mom was just in such pain that she could not even put herself to sleep....  I am soooo scared that the time has come:

- when all the drugs are no longer helping..

-when there is no other thing that can help but to confine my Mom to the Hospital and get her hooked up on morphine or whatever else they need to do - so as she does not feel too much pain... but thus leaving her incoherent and lost in her own world for most of the time...

I know this is eventually to come....  I have been told by the doctors....  I was always told to be prepared, and I try, but I am not....   I still want to hang on to Hopes that this is just due to the stroke she suffered a few days ago... and that the Breast Cancer Meds will still get through her all of these and she will somewhat bounce back once more....  so we monitor her condition....  have told my Stepfather what doctor has said...  up her pain killers and see if that helps the next few days...  if not, then we take her to the hospital.... 

Another reason why I am soooo adamant about this move, is that, this is the one thing my Mom have told us she did not want....  she has said that if the time comes - just let it be....  she does not want her life prolonged in the hospital but becoming a vegetable in the process...  to her, that is NOT LIVING.....   which is what I believe, as well... and a wish of hers, I want to RESPECT....

But it sure is getting harder....  hearing her cry and mumble the pain she is feeling on the phone with me leaves me helpless and torn....   I do not want her to suffer from so much pain....   I do not want her to go through so much of these without me by her side....   If I could, I would just fly back now and just be with her - but with so much more to be done, i cannot do so till sometime next week....  actually I have a Ticket already for the 18th, to spend XMas with her - as promised - but now am TORN if I should get there sooner....  it would certainly DEVASTATE me if anything happens to her and am not around....  I take comfort with my friends, Juliana & Lyn's words: that "my Mom will be there waiting for me - no matter what...."

So now, I try to finish all that I need to...  just sad that things seems to not be going my way as another delivery that was supposed to come to me here - ended up in America - so now I wait longer for them to arrive....  why, oh why now even this mix up has to happen....   In between work,  I run to wear myself out....  I listen to music to cheer me up....  I organize this and that to take my mind off things - even for a bit....  and I Hope & Pray...

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Hope and optimism have always defined me as a person, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about life, and everything else in between, even when all seems lost. Life itseld has been a great source of inspiration for me.

Rainy Days and Mondays.... sometimes....

...Really Do Get You Down!!!!
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Woke up this morning with a really strangely off feeling, as if something is not right....   chuck it all of to the fact that it is Monday and yes, Raining once again....   i said to myself, "Yeah, That's it,,,  so SNAP out of it, get you ASS out of bed and get cracking with work....  this in turn will make you SNAP out of this strange feeling you are having....."

So like with all my mornings, I get our of bed; make the bed; wash face/brush teeth/morning pee pee; then I turn on the computer while making coffee.... and enjoy the fresh cup(s) of coffee as I answer emails; check on things; and check in with FB....

All was going well, nothing bad... nothing unusual....  then suddenly, at half past 10AM - I get a PM from my cousin: "rudi plss call bout mommy emergency!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Right away I was in a frenzy, trying to call long distance to Manila but was having a terrible time and could not connect....  maybe the rain, maybe the International Calling Service...  whatever... it took me another 20 mins before I could connect....   Spoke with my Mom's husband - sadly, most of the time I also cannot make out what he is saying.... and when he is frazzled like this, even worse....   the jist of it was that my Mom just suddenly fell, left side paralyzed, and mumbles when she is trying to talk....   a Stroke is the first thing that came to mind....   So I asked what is going on at that time, to which he replied: "Am waiting for you or Cholo (my half brother) to call as I need to take her to the Hospital but I have no money..."    Right away, I was burning - could feel myself turning red with frustrations....  I mean, I would have taken her to the Hospital first then worry about the $$$....  I calmly (as calm as I could) told him: "Pls take her to the Hospital now....  and see have her look over... and I will deal with the money issues after.... "   This seemed to work and he was a bit at eased...called for a cab to take them to the hospital....

An hour ago I checked and my Mom was already put to sleep...  more new meds needed....  change of meds for one thing or another....  my Stepfather is still unclear - so I need to wait till the Doctor is around - so I can understand more.....

Am soooooooo  frustrated.....   with the situation... I mean I cannot blame my stepfather for having apprehensions regarding money matters...   that is just the way things are.....   I am more frustrated that being here in Taiwan, I could not do more for my Mom....  and that really besides my Stepfather, there is no one else taking care of my Mom....   Can only be glad that my cousin is close enough, can be reached by them all the time to get word out to me....  as is the case this morning.....

Most of all, am frustrated and saddened with the turn of events....   I feel my Mom is going through enough with having to deal with Breast Cancer - she need not be paralyzed as well....  I am soooo afraid as to how she will be affected by these new events....   I am soooo afraid of how how all these will affect her physically......

So now I wait  a bit longer to hear what the Doctor has to say....   run a few work errands in the rain - which made me frustrated even more......    how can I concentrate and focus when I have too much anxieties running through my brains.....   right now, all I could do is try to write my feelings down here - just to get some of these anxieties out of my system.....

Waiting, like Rainy Days and Mondays - at times - really gets to me.... :(

Burnt Bridges

"choose wisely the bridges that you burn"

...because sometimes, some of these bridges just cannot be repaired - no matter how much one would like to.... no matter who wishes to get it all fixed up....  and no matter how far they go to get it fixed...

...lightening up the load....

Sad to report, yesterday, I posted my last photo for 365 project...  not because I am tired of the project - I LOVE 365!  the year and some days I spent were, for the most part: fun, challenging, and enjoyable.  As  I always enjoy toting the camera around, it was a great release, great place, to POST and SHARE some of my shots....  what I find interesting, different, beautiful - and in my very own perspective....  it has been great getting feedback from other snappers around the world - both professionals and amateurs, like me....  Over the period, I have met quite a few WONDERFUL PEOPLE - whose TALENTS and PHOTOS INSPIRED ME and put me in AWE....  made me do more, experiment more, and see more things differently.....  These people will be SURELY MISSED!

But true to the saying, all good things must come to an end....  permanently or temporarily, the end for 365 project and I have come....  with all that has been going on with my life, it has become too much to keep up with the project.... I always find myself lagging, frustrated and trying to catch up...  not just with my own photo entries each and every day - but with catching up on other people's work...  I have less and less time looking and admiring their work - much more commenting on most....  and this makes me SAD... and yes, the person that I am, GUILTY....   Guilty of not doing my share, my part....  so for this, I must make the hard choice of leaving the community - till I find my time permits me to do so once more....  more freely and can stay current with all....  with less pressures and less frustrations - as I must TRULY SAVE MY ENERGY....  and STOP FEELING LIKE AM RUNNING ON EMPTY - which I have been the last few months....   

I am NO SUPERMAN, or SUPER RUDI, AFTER ALL.... :(

and NEEDLESS to say, I would have HATED ENDING UP FEELING SOUR with the whole project....  it is BEST to leave when am HAPPY and with HAPPY THOUGHTS for the community....

So with 365 Project, I start my journey into streamlining my life... lightening up my load...  and hopefully, finding my way back to a more relaxed...   less stressful daily life....

Last Entry for 365: Dated Oct 25th, 2011

HARDSHIP

Hardship may dishearten at first,
but every hardship passes away.
All despair is followed by hope;
all darkness is followed by sunshine.
-Rumi ♥================
Mom was rushed to the hospital early Wed morning.... found out about it a little after 12PM via PM form my niece, Nicole, on Facebook: "Your Mom was rushed to the hospital this morning. She could not breathe..." That was it... nothing more........

Needless to say I tried to call right away but to no avail... was at a lost all afternoon - going crazy with worries....  I even contemplated on getting an airline TIX and flying out to see her at once.... Good thing I was finally able to get a hold of my half brother (in Manila at the moment... on leave from his work in the Middle East) and found out how Mom is... 

Indeed, she was rushed early morning Wednesday, as she was having a hard time breathing since Tues nite.... somehow her lungs got clogged up from the cold she is having. which the doctors drained out of her... and was prescribed antibiotics.... the sad thing is that, though she was already feeling this - she did not say a thing as she didn't want to trouble anyone... :(  (Oh Mom!)

Thank God, she is now back at home, and her breathing is getting better and better....