UNPREPARED

of course!   no matter how I have been, supposedly, preparing myself for this time - I still find myself unprepared and lost....

almost a month now have gone by since I was in Manila last....   the time when I heard from my Mom's lips that" "she had made Peace with the Lord... and that if it's her time already, she is more than prepared..."  words that I said to myself will make me decide to also let go and let nature take it's course with her condition....   in other words, stop with the Cancer medicines that has been prolonging her life....

I had till the 5th of this month, when the pills would have run out....   I was tortured, day in and day out, all the days... trying to decide what to do...   trying to prepare myself even more....  still, am not....  when the time came, I still broke down and sent money to my stepfather for my Mom's meds....

But now, it is truly out of my hands....  been on the phone with them constantly, while am trying to do my work in Taipei....   besides, no matter where I am, my thoughts are always back in the Philippines....  with my Mom....  always on the phone just monitoring her condition from afar....   talking with her just to make her feel she is loved and not sooooo alone....   to assure her that her children, no matter how far away and how busy, still thinks of her and love her in each our own way....

the last few weeks, her condition has been deteriorating...  eating less and less.... and in pain more and more....   and the last few times I have called, not only my stepfather - but my Mom herself had been telling me that she is in soooo much pain and that she cannot take anymore...  in her words: "what medicine can I NOT TAKE anymore - so as to not prolong this suffering..."   words that put me in tears, each and every time....  and put me in a depressed state....  not really having any family to discuss these matters with, am left feeling all alone and lost... 

today, when I called, I was told by my stepfather that her right side, where she is affected more by the breast cancer, has finally given in...  no longer can she move her right side... not the arm, not the legs.....  and this sent her into a more depressed stage....   and this idea alone makes me feel so very sad for my Mom....  I can only imagine how even low her morale is....    and it really does not help that no one has visited her since I was there last....  since moving to her new home, no friends or family has come to see her....  a sad fact but something I cannot change - and not from NOT TRYING....  no one even bothers to talk with me about what is going on with her....   so I just accept all these, and just  try to make my Mom not feel so unwanted - as much as I can, however I can....

so now, her cancer meds is good  till about the 20th of May....  she is told that they are there and it is very much up to her if she wants to take them or choose not to - everything up to her and how she feels.....  that all will be just OK with us....  A LIE on my part but am RESPECTFUL of her decision....   no matter how I look at things, no matter how I  tell myself that in the long run she is better off as it means her suffering will be less and shortened - a big part of me is still struggling with the thought...  the thought that her end is getting nearer and nearer....  Selfish on my part, but I do admit that the idea of being Motherless paints such a sad, sad photo in my life....   but one I must ACCEPT and FACE....  not for myself, but for my Mom....