INOPERABLE

It's been a a few days since I met with the Breast Specialist to have all my MOM's test results read.... Hoping for some kind of GOOD NEWS, even a tiny one at that - but there were NONE... hence, why it took me a bit longer to put it all into words, as each time I try to write, tears just comes streaming down...

Anyway, Tuesday the 19th, I went to speak with the doctor... my MOM did not come, of course - as I have mentioned in the previous BLOG - as far as she was concerned, the CT Scan was the last of the hospital visits for her.... Got to the Doctor's office at 3PM - her operational hours are 3pm till 6pm... and with the looming Holy Week, Tuesday i knew, was the last I could see her, before flying back to Taipei Friday... Needless to say I was nervous the whole time.... and it did not help that she was help up taking care of another patient and did not get to me till an hour and a half later... an hour and a half, waiting in the lobby... with the other women and posters of Breast Cancer all over the wall...

So first thing was having the doctor look at all the test results... CT Scan, Blood, Bone Scan, Liver Ultrasound... it did not take long.... and with one SIGH from her, I knew it was not good at all... still I hoped, as I waited for her words to come out... 2 sentences into it, I already lost it... tears rolling down and the feeling of suffocation settled in....

The doctor was kind enough to bear with me, and explained all to me... it boils down to the fact that, even if I can convince my MOM to get a MASTECTOMY - it would not do any good for two reasons (and age had nothing to do with it):

1) The cancer has spread out way too much... in her spinal, her liver and of course, her chest....
2) and the most devastating news: she has rendered the CANCER LUMP as INOPERABLE... it has gotten too big, too hard - and too much sticking to my MOM's chest...(Even
more tears flowed at this point...)

She went on to say that in cases like my MOM's... we should be LUCKY to have another year with her.... and that we need to prepare ourselves for the worst and the pain she is sure to endure in the final stages... starting with the back pains she has been suffering from of late.... and possibly the Liver giving out - as there is a big Cancer spot there, too....

The only thing the doctor can prescribed for my MOM at this point are pain killers that she has to take 4 times a day... and this EXPENSIVE medicine that she has to take each day to help with the big lump on her chest.... The rest is up to us -- to keep my Mom STRESS FREE, so as to not lower her IMMUNE DEFENSES.... to keep her HAPPY and VITAL throughout.... and to be Prepared as to what to do when the time comes....
The first two are easy enough, but how does one prepare for when the time comes???

"TERMINAL"

Flying out today for Manila, tonite really as it is another one of those RED EYE Flights... am to see my MOM once more - whose condition, though was not getting better, at least not getting worse....

But yesterday afternoon, all that has changed, I got a message that she was rushed to the Hospital... in so much pain and all... something her regular medication could not even help... this put in in a tailspin as I could not get a hold of anyone - no cel network can connect me... Darn celphone providers! And only this morning, through my cousin's help, that I got to find out the whole story...

We have always known my MOM mush have some kind of Breast Cancer.... something she has accepted and did not want to make an issue out of... it seems to run with the women from my Mom's side of the family.... For her, if it was meant to be the cause of her departure from this world, then so be it... No matter what I say, she insist on not having the LUMPS on her chest looked at.... she lived with it.... and even hide it from us... and I, though it was always in the back of mind and basically in my everyday thoughts, Respected her wishes.... and just prayed and hope it can only get better... or at least, that she will not suffer....

Now the doctor's finding is something we already knew... Cancer, indeed... but now, words like "Last Stage" and "Terminal" are being used... first time for me to hear this in reference to my Mom... and it is scaring the CRAP out of me... and making me feel sooooo HELPLESS! I have seen and dealt with people who had died of cancer in my time... have heard these words before uttered by the doctors... but never, referring to a relative, much more - My Mom!

Saturday, tomorrow, I should be seeing my Mom and the Doctor... will find out more, as to what to expect, what to do, and how to deal... somehow I could not help but feel like a Baby - wanting to retreat from everything and having someone else take care of this matter.... but I know I must be an ADULT about it and face it all, as BEST I could....

new year, new computer blues...

Okay, most of you that know me well enough knows am dependant on the INTERNET not just for Blogging or keeping in touch with family and friends - but also for work... Nowadays, who isn't right??? So you know how frustrating it is when you are without Internet Connection at your disposal...

and it was just that this morning when I woke up.... for the life of me, just could not connect.... tried all the things we normally do when we lose connections... check the ADSL Box, the router, the connecting lines, etc.... check the computer setting.... all was fine... then I called through our Net Provider and was on the phone with them for almost an hour... of course, she asked me to do exactly all the things I already did earlier this morning...LOL.... after going through the process again and again, still nothing.... WAAAAH!!! So a rep will have to come and check things out - as we are both at our wits end - with no solution whatsoever....

Now am at the library, using their WIFI NET CONNECTION..... am able to so I know it is not my computer... Thank God!!!

AM really FRUSTRATED right now... just HATE it when I do not have NET CONNECTION!!! I know I already stated that, just had to get it out again... hahahahaha

This was the ONLY thing that made me SMILE today... spotted on the bus this afternoon on my way to the library.... ANTHONY NEELY for McDonalds....

Wedding Gown Blues

The morning was spent shopping for "this and that" - things needed for the wedding... a quickie lunch @ MOS Burger, and then off to pick out gowns for Lyn...I must say, as exciting as it is to go through countless of gowns - both wedding and evening gowns - to pick the right ones (we needed 2 White Wedding Gowns and 5 Evening Gowns), it is just as tiring and frustrating...
The Wu Siblings shop for NEIKU (undies)!!

A tired Bride to be, a frustrated Groom to be, and Director brother.

Of course, it was a lot of fun for David, Liya and I - as we just need to pull gowns after gowns for Lyn to try on... but for Lyn and Shaun - it must have been really trying as they just do not have that much time to spare... Good thing we were actually all in agreement for the most part... so 4 hours later and numerous gown changes we chose what Lyn will be wearing for the pre wedding photoshoot (very romantic clooks), and for the actual wedding (sexy and glitz galore!)...

Liya & I even found time to goof around in between gowns.

As a THANK YOU and a SURPRISE for us helping through the day -- Shaun took us all to see the MAYDAY's concert -- one of Taiwan's Premier College Bands... a nice way to end a very tiring day...

-SHOPPING PHOTO ALBUM

That I Would Be Good

...time and time again, I need to remind myself of this song and it's meaning... and this is one of those times....

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity

That I would be good whether with or without you

Computer Blues!!!!

Okay, Okay.... my Computer troubles are nothing new - for those of you who have known me for sooooo long..... and YES, once again I have been having lots of troubles starting it up each and every morning.. Just this morning alone, it took me at least 4 tries to turn it on... we even gave up and went for a swim instead... Before you ask -- Yes, I have had it looked at by someone who knows much about computers... am told, SADLY, it is just a matter of time once again... that this computer is basically on it's few last breath...

In with the New, Out With the Old - once more....

Okay, I should not complain... and I really should change computers already - so many reasons why I should:
1> From the very beginning we have always felt this computer was not as good of a buy as we thought it was...
2> This has got to be the nosiest computer one will ever hear.... somehow the fan motor just does not let up....
3> The heat it emanates is just waaaaay too hot.... especially during the summer months - so you would want to hardly turn it on....
4> Lastly, since we got it about 4 years ago -- it has acted up at least 3 times... and made me lose so much files each and every time....

So, the ANSWER is really a RESOUNDING - GET A NEW ONE ALREADY! and I will... I just hate the thought of having to decide once again which is the BEST to buy - not knowing much about computers.... and the idea of having to get to know another new system -- am quite slow with computers... and of course, having to shell out big bucks again... LOLs.... But it is very much needed.... so no excuse but to just BITE THE BULLET and get a new one.... SOON!!!