when is it my turn?

"Look in the mirror
Now that's another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell"

 

-"What You Are" by Jewel

 

At the Gym yesterday and was listening to the music in my iPhone...  it was set on SHUFFLE - so it was randomly playing songs... now and again hear songs I have not heard in a long time but obviously, I like or it would not even be there to begin with....

 

Then this song of Jewel's from a few years back played.... it hit me like a hammer hitting a nail...  had to play it again... and again... and again....  listening to the lyrics.. dissecting the lyrics....  and really feeling them....  relating to them....   got me thinking all night long and even all day long today...  so I decided to put my thoughts into here....

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Maybe it is MIDLIFE CRISIS....  maybe something else...  but now and again, I end up stopping myself at my tracks and starts wondering where my life has been, where it is going....  I know I have always put others before myself....  put their well being...  put their happiness....   Since I can remember, I think and worry about my family all the time...  worry for loved ones and friends....   and at times, even strangers....   help when I can....  give what I can....    it is just who I am...  and it is something I just accepted in my life, and never questioned...  till now....

The last couple of years, with all that I went through with my family, especially Mom...  and with all that I go through with work, and  in my personal life, I just feel so worn out....   tired not just physically but emotionally and mentally , as well...  feeling a bit lost as to what is there for me....  what is left for me....

 

I just felt that the last few years, it was all about taking care of people...   taking care of Mom when in Manila....  and then coming back to Taiwan to take care of work, Juju, and even David...  I was feeling no rest....  PHYSICALLY drained.....   Then I worry about work....  what has been going on...  worry about the money, or lack of it, coming in....  at the same time, having Mom's medical bills hanging over my head....  this made me MENTALLY drained...  And last but certainly not the least, the personal torture....   feeling lost....   feeling sooooo alone....   that with all that i have to deal with, I really had no one to run to....  shouldering on everything - mentally, physically, financially - this made me EMOTIONALLY drained....

 

After Mom's passing, I thought I would get a bit of rest....  that I could take off for a few months - take a breather and sort many things out - but this is not to be....   How silly of me to think that after Mom passes away, all will be sorted out and all will fall into place....   I did not think that, though I no longer have to think of where and how to raise the funds for her monthly Medical Bills, I would still have to deal with all that was accrued during her battles with cancer...  and then some....  and with business being the way it is lately, I am left feeling so TIED DOWN....  as if FREEDOM is no longer in my grasp....   I have nothing but RESPONSIBILITIES hovering over my head, like dark clouds...

 

How NAIVE of me to think that I could just up and go and take a breather....  to live life for myself, for a change...  to rest not just physically but mentally by not having to think of anyone else for a chance....  just think of myself...  do what makes me happy, or just do nothing at all...  my LIFE right now does not warrant me to be SELFISH....   I am in no financial state to just up and go...  take off for a few months, much more a year... 

 

Though I accept this for the most part, I still wish differently....  I still wish I could just up and go....   For now, I just deal....  go with the flow - as I always do in life....  living day to day with just one main goal: To do what is needed to make $$$ and pay off all bills and be FREE from it all....  and filling my in between days with going to the Gym, running and/or swimming to stay healthy and focused....    

 

all the while, hoping more for myself....