So am back from another week in Manila.... and as always, am I left Manila with a heavy heart and teary eyes.... more so this time.... as this trip left me with a very hard decision to make... one that am not even sure I can make....
I arrived in Manila Sunday at the break of dawn... took a 3 hr nap... got up and did some grocery shopping and headed on to see my Mom... my cousin, Rounette, Nicole, and Arnold drove me and my groceries.... the minute we arrived, tears were already flowing down on my Mom's cheeks.... and of course, mine soon followed...
My Mom has gotten skinnier again.... and the luster in her eyes have disappeared.... try as she might to muster strength - there is just so much she can do.... and for the most part, she sits, she lays down, she stares, she cries.... all in the same chair she is on.... the same one she has been on she we bought it last Christmas.... though it was doing it's job before in alleviating my Mom's bedsoreness - it has come now to a point, where even here she cannot stand to be on..... not for too long....
Am told by my stepfather that she has not been eating much the last couple of week's before my arrival... she just cries from too much pain.... and sleeps, if she is lucky, a total of 6 hrs a day.... most of the time she just stares into space - that is if she is not crying or screaming from the pain.... she asks for her children - but sadly no one is really around.... and though I try to see her as much as I can - there are times that I too, cannot - due to my own obligations here in Taiwan... work or otherwise.... To this - I feel soooooo GUILTY... it eats me up most nights....
Anyway, this last trip is killing me emotionally.... am now having to face a decision that I was hoping will never ever have to come.... but has.... to continue giving my Aromassin or not.... shstill takes this pill each day.... the steroids induced Breast Cancer Pills possibly is the only thing prolonging her life.... making her seem as if she is not sick on the outside, while on the inside, her cancer is falling apart and spreading more severely... the main lump on her breast that had gotten severe and will never heal, has gotten bigger - increased in size with little ones even surrounding it.... on her back I can feel so much hardness from more lumps trying to come out.... her right side where the original lump is, has gotten so swollen - arm to foot..... her spinal cord seems to be sooo crooked now - maybe from the position she has been in, that it is even hard for her to keep her head straight.... God only knows what of her other internal parts...
She still refuses to go to the hospital.... it is not for her, she says... but now and again when the pain is too unbearable we manage to bring her there - just so she can get a shot and drip to keep her calm and puts her to sleep.... the stongest pain killers she has been taking, though taking the maximum numbers each day, at most times fails to do their job and she just writhes in pain.... and there is no other choice but to drag her to the hospital and get her stronger medicine to soothe her pain...
I hate seeing my Mom this way... I always question what we are doing.... how my Mom could stand it all.... and what thoughts runs through her per the condition she is in.... and often, my thoughts are confirmed as my Mom, herself, would tell me how unbearable it is for her knowing she will never heal again.... or be lively again, even lively eough to go to the toilet on her own... I jusy try to soothe her in any way I can... and hope that the pain will not become even more unbearable....
Anyway to make the long story short, this time around, my Mom told me the following:
-She is in so much pain and cannot stand it anymore...
-Has already told the Lord that she is ready - if the Lord feels that it is her time to go already - then she is in acceptance...
-and Lastly, that at times, she really does not want to take her pills anymore - as she does not want to prolong her suffering....
So what do I do now.... I know before I kept telling myself, I could never stop giving her the pills that prolongs her life - even if I have to Beg, Steal and Borrow for the $$$ I still will find a way to get her the pills..... That I would only stop if the time comes that she asks me to herself, as she can no longer take the pain and suffering.... and now the time has come, and all I can do is cry.... how do I decide such a thing??? This trip is soooooo unbearable that I could not even get myself to look at my Mom on my last day - afraid of breaking down, afraid to see her in so much pain, and afraid of the decision I have to make.....
I really have no one to turn to but myself... no one else to ask... not even her husband who is still very much in denial of my Mom's true conditions... and in turn, their son - my half brother, is in denial, as well - I feel....... when I talk to them, when am even able to - all I get are blank stares and/or tears... my older sister, who has always been a strong person, has offered to take the weight off of me (Thank You, Sis!) - but I cannot get myself to agree.... I feel if I do then it is just basically deciding to stop giving my Mom her meds already.... so it is tearing me apart right now.... I am at a loss.... so scared remembering that back in OCT, when she ran out of the meds and no one told me - only 4 days without the pills and she already looked as if she is on her last breath.... the pills keeps her living on borrowed time...
So how do I decide such a thing? all these times that am supposed to be getting myself ready is of no help.... it is as if, am hearing about her Cancer for the first time again.... How do I decide to stop giving her the pills and not feel as if I helped her die??? Will i really be relieving her of fering or robbing her of a bit more life here on Earth? ...here with us? My Mom has pills till about the first week of May... so I have till then to make this agonizing decision... and agonize I will for the next few weeks..... I know that my GUILT will eat me up - as much as making this decision is torturing me - to a point that it is killing me....
But I know I MUST... for my Mom...
My Mom has gotten skinnier again.... and the luster in her eyes have disappeared.... try as she might to muster strength - there is just so much she can do.... and for the most part, she sits, she lays down, she stares, she cries.... all in the same chair she is on.... the same one she has been on she we bought it last Christmas.... though it was doing it's job before in alleviating my Mom's bedsoreness - it has come now to a point, where even here she cannot stand to be on..... not for too long....
Anyway, this last trip is killing me emotionally.... am now having to face a decision that I was hoping will never ever have to come.... but has.... to continue giving my Aromassin or not.... shstill takes this pill each day.... the steroids induced Breast Cancer Pills possibly is the only thing prolonging her life.... making her seem as if she is not sick on the outside, while on the inside, her cancer is falling apart and spreading more severely... the main lump on her breast that had gotten severe and will never heal, has gotten bigger - increased in size with little ones even surrounding it.... on her back I can feel so much hardness from more lumps trying to come out.... her right side where the original lump is, has gotten so swollen - arm to foot..... her spinal cord seems to be sooo crooked now - maybe from the position she has been in, that it is even hard for her to keep her head straight.... God only knows what of her other internal parts...
She still refuses to go to the hospital.... it is not for her, she says... but now and again when the pain is too unbearable we manage to bring her there - just so she can get a shot and drip to keep her calm and puts her to sleep.... the stongest pain killers she has been taking, though taking the maximum numbers each day, at most times fails to do their job and she just writhes in pain.... and there is no other choice but to drag her to the hospital and get her stronger medicine to soothe her pain...
I hate seeing my Mom this way... I always question what we are doing.... how my Mom could stand it all.... and what thoughts runs through her per the condition she is in.... and often, my thoughts are confirmed as my Mom, herself, would tell me how unbearable it is for her knowing she will never heal again.... or be lively again, even lively eough to go to the toilet on her own... I jusy try to soothe her in any way I can... and hope that the pain will not become even more unbearable....
Anyway to make the long story short, this time around, my Mom told me the following:
-She is in so much pain and cannot stand it anymore...
-Has already told the Lord that she is ready - if the Lord feels that it is her time to go already - then she is in acceptance...
-and Lastly, that at times, she really does not want to take her pills anymore - as she does not want to prolong her suffering....
So what do I do now.... I know before I kept telling myself, I could never stop giving her the pills that prolongs her life - even if I have to Beg, Steal and Borrow for the $$$ I still will find a way to get her the pills..... That I would only stop if the time comes that she asks me to herself, as she can no longer take the pain and suffering.... and now the time has come, and all I can do is cry.... how do I decide such a thing??? This trip is soooooo unbearable that I could not even get myself to look at my Mom on my last day - afraid of breaking down, afraid to see her in so much pain, and afraid of the decision I have to make.....
I really have no one to turn to but myself... no one else to ask... not even her husband who is still very much in denial of my Mom's true conditions... and in turn, their son - my half brother, is in denial, as well - I feel....... when I talk to them, when am even able to - all I get are blank stares and/or tears... my older sister, who has always been a strong person, has offered to take the weight off of me (Thank You, Sis!) - but I cannot get myself to agree.... I feel if I do then it is just basically deciding to stop giving my Mom her meds already.... so it is tearing me apart right now.... I am at a loss.... so scared remembering that back in OCT, when she ran out of the meds and no one told me - only 4 days without the pills and she already looked as if she is on her last breath.... the pills keeps her living on borrowed time...
So how do I decide such a thing? all these times that am supposed to be getting myself ready is of no help.... it is as if, am hearing about her Cancer for the first time again.... How do I decide to stop giving her the pills and not feel as if I helped her die??? Will i really be relieving her of fering or robbing her of a bit more life here on Earth? ...here with us? My Mom has pills till about the first week of May... so I have till then to make this agonizing decision... and agonize I will for the next few weeks..... I know that my GUILT will eat me up - as much as making this decision is torturing me - to a point that it is killing me....
But I know I MUST... for my Mom...
My Mom with her hubby in the back, her grandson (Half-brother's son), Shobe and I
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2 comments:
O God. All i could say is be strong.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, n do not lean on ur own understanding. In all ur ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight ur paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Hope it comforts u a little bit.
-adrian-
Thank You very much for the comforting words, Adrian.... it is what am doing... TRUSTING in HIM....
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