TORN... but HOPEFUL.....

Since Mom was rushed back to the Hospital for a second time this month, it has been somewhat HELLISH for me the last few days.....   not thinking too clearly, not being able to focus, and worse of all, not sleeping well....   somehow I just keep feeling something is amiss...  of course, most of it is due to the fact that all mu thoughts are with my Mom and what she is going through right now....

She suffered a mild stroke...  incapable again of even getting up from her bad without help from anyone...  and for that matter, it is just her husband - my stepfather - who is with her...  and at times, the kind neighbours, helping to put her to sleep or just to watch her for a bit to relieve my stepfather....  He is really having a hard time of it all right now, and I can only IMAGINE the thoughts going through his mind - as to see your partner of so many years, the mother of your child deteriorate each and everyday.....  For all his suffering and kindness to my Mom - I Thank Him!  Though we never really had any kind of a relationship, nor did I really ever get to know him, I Thank and Appreciate all that he is doing for my Mom - and all of it for Love....  this gives me even more Comfort and Hope....  More than I can say for some other family that should be there - even just emotionally....  but I will refrain now from saying anything about them....  must keep thinking of the Positive parts of what is going on now....

Last night was another looong nite for me....  I was even on the phone with them well past 1AM...   my Mom was just in such pain that she could not even put herself to sleep....  I am soooo scared that the time has come:

- when all the drugs are no longer helping..

-when there is no other thing that can help but to confine my Mom to the Hospital and get her hooked up on morphine or whatever else they need to do - so as she does not feel too much pain... but thus leaving her incoherent and lost in her own world for most of the time...

I know this is eventually to come....  I have been told by the doctors....  I was always told to be prepared, and I try, but I am not....   I still want to hang on to Hopes that this is just due to the stroke she suffered a few days ago... and that the Breast Cancer Meds will still get through her all of these and she will somewhat bounce back once more....  so we monitor her condition....  have told my Stepfather what doctor has said...  up her pain killers and see if that helps the next few days...  if not, then we take her to the hospital.... 

Another reason why I am soooo adamant about this move, is that, this is the one thing my Mom have told us she did not want....  she has said that if the time comes - just let it be....  she does not want her life prolonged in the hospital but becoming a vegetable in the process...  to her, that is NOT LIVING.....   which is what I believe, as well... and a wish of hers, I want to RESPECT....

But it sure is getting harder....  hearing her cry and mumble the pain she is feeling on the phone with me leaves me helpless and torn....   I do not want her to suffer from so much pain....   I do not want her to go through so much of these without me by her side....   If I could, I would just fly back now and just be with her - but with so much more to be done, i cannot do so till sometime next week....  actually I have a Ticket already for the 18th, to spend XMas with her - as promised - but now am TORN if I should get there sooner....  it would certainly DEVASTATE me if anything happens to her and am not around....  I take comfort with my friends, Juliana & Lyn's words: that "my Mom will be there waiting for me - no matter what...."

So now, I try to finish all that I need to...  just sad that things seems to not be going my way as another delivery that was supposed to come to me here - ended up in America - so now I wait longer for them to arrive....  why, oh why now even this mix up has to happen....   In between work,  I run to wear myself out....  I listen to music to cheer me up....  I organize this and that to take my mind off things - even for a bit....  and I Hope & Pray...

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Hope and optimism have always defined me as a person, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about life, and everything else in between, even when all seems lost. Life itseld has been a great source of inspiration for me.