made it through XMas... *SIGH*

this week I have been here with my Mom was very much like an emotional (and physical) roller coaster... not just for her (going trough it all) but for me and her husband....  she had so many episodes of ups and downs....   no sleeping but just writhing in pain....   moments when she just wants to give up....  and luckily, at times, just moments when she can just sit still for an hour, look out the window, watch the children play outside and just reminisce with me about her life, our (her children) lives when we were still with her....  Memories of our grandparents (her parents) when I was just a little kid....  as well as our Dad, who left us when I was barely two....  whom I did not see again till I was about 12....   Her stories were full of love, happiness - even in the last stages of their marriage - and, of course, like most stories go - suffering and longing....    Most of the sufferings were from the hands of my first stepfather - who was a bit vicious and abusive...  but those memories I have long forgotten and got over with.....   I was just glad our Dad did not fully abandoned us and brought us to the US.....

She did mention to me all the pain & sorrow she went through from the time our Dad contacted her about bringing us to the US....  going to the Embassy and signing the papers to give our Dad full custody of us.... seeing us off and not seeing us for a looong time after.....   all I could IMAGINE is how hard must it be to sign papers giving up your children for good - no matter how one knows it is for the good of the children's future - it still must be quite heartbreaking and such a very hard decision to make....  one she did wholeheartedly for us....   and one that we did not even think of, and some of us still do not think of.....

Then I told her stories of our lives in the US....  with my Dad....  with school... and my older sister and brother - when we were all still close...  so much moments, fun, stupid, crazy times - trying to manage our lives in the US - with a Dad that was hardly there....   leaving us with a different stepmother every now and again....  and of course, coming of age and striking out on our own....  my first job, etc... etc....   Just stories of all the times we spent away from her....  Mostly the POSITIVE parts so as  to not get her sad....

This we did night after night when it is just the two of us left - wide awake in the wee hours of the night till dawn breaks - as her sleeping clock is sooooo off....  As much as it was great to hear these stories - it still and to this very end - breaks my heart each and every nite....  all the longing....  she still longs...   long for the children who are away working.....  long for the ones around but does not come around....  and long for one who cannot find it in his heart to even call her - knowing the state of her condition....

Anyway, we still had a Merry Little Xmas - just the three of us : Me, My Stepfather and my Mom....   My stepfather cooked Pinoy style Spaghetti and made Buko Fruit Salad....   I got a cake from the bakery...  and some neighbours gave us other stuff... shared their blessings with my Mom - who is well liked in the area....   we waited till 12 midnite and welcomed and celebrated the birth of Baby Jesus.....  gave them their presents - which delighted them both - no matter how small it is....     ate as we listened to XMas music.....   and chatted as we cleaned up....

Around 2 am, as my stepfather sleeps - my Mom and I were left alone once more... she spoke of happiness that at least one of her children was with her on this day...  so she did not feel so abandoned and alone.....   she was happy...  but something triggered in her and she started crying again....  talking of giving up as she did not want to be a burden anymore and see us suffer through her suffering....  As much as i have been strong in front of her the last few days - this time around, tears came - run in front of her, as I tell her she must not give up for us.....   she should want to live longer for us and share more memories...   and just let things take their natural course....  let it happen when it is time.....  we were like this till the brek of dawn.....  and she finally fell asleep a little after 5 AM....  and I sat by her, thinking...  caressing her head....  holding her hand and crying till my stepfather got up and it as my turn to sleep....  Sweet & Sad XMas but I would not TRADE it for anything in the world.....

I will FOREVER be HAPPY and THANKFUL for making it through another XMAS with my Mom....  and can only Pray & Hope for one more.....  a long shot but  definitely worth praying for....