Heartaches & Lies

God Give Me Strength...

This trip has been too much of a downer for me....   physically, mentally, emotionally....   the weather is not helping....  with all these rain Manila has been having - it seems as if even the skies cries with me....

Am full aware of what condition my Mom is in....  am full aware that the medicine she is taking, mainly AROMASIN, contains STEROIDS that helps her keep her healthy look on the outside....  basically, lies to her and everyone else regarding her condition...  and since it was prescribed to her, it has been doing its' job and making my Mom look healthy on the outside.... and made her feel good on the inside....  doing what it mostly is supposed to do, including stop more lumps from appearing, too fast, too soon... Giving her a longer lease on life...

Each month I come, even with all the pain she is experiencing -...from the existing lumps.... all the grief and sadness.....  all the emergency trip to the hospital for one reason or another......   and the emotional baggage she carries within her, that she does not talk about much, but is sooooo apparent - she appears in very healthy condition and happy for the most part.... 

But this visit is a total turnaround....  Mom looked sooooo sad and tired.....   lost weight once more.... looked pale and sickly....  and the saddest of all, looks as if she has no ZEST for life left.....  her eyes were soooo deep & dark that even laughing I saw no shine in them....  and seeing this kills me the most....  feeling helpless as there is not much I can do.....   feeling lost as I do not know what to say to her when asked what else can be done....  knowing full well, deep down she knows what condition she is in.....  

Just as the medicine Lies about her Health...  I too, have to Lie to her just too keep her spirits up....  and just as the medicine seems to be waning its powers over my Mom's condition - my energy level (EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY) seems to be waning as well...