it's a Stormin' Inside & Out!

Yep, that pretty much sums up my trip this last week in Manila.... it was hella raining, storming most of the time outside... and storming emotionally on the inside....

Aug 7th will be Mom's 74th BDay... will not be there so we made the most of things and had a mini celebration... mini Chocolate cake to boot... it made my Mom Happy.... and made me even Happier.... and it also helped that my cousin (Mom's Niece) with family in tow, came to spend an afternoon with her, too.... but I know deep down she is emotionally sad...

Actually, this is the first thing I noticed when I arrived this time around... though she looked healthy, her movements tells me that she was in pain once more... and her eyes, like mine, do not lie.... sadness is sooo apparent... the first few days i was shaking it all off to the fact that her prescribed meds already run out and had expired... not wanting to go back for further prodding and tests, she had to make do with pain killers the last few days... and the appearance of more growing LUMPS on the side of her right breasts...Went back to Medical City... consulted with the Doctor... as she had stated before, even if my MOM agreed on an operation, it is already not advisable... we spoke at length and she prescribed some meds once more.... hoping that the meds will keep my Mom healthy and stopped more lumps from appearing... at least, suppress them from appearing too fast, too soon.... I can tell that the Meds I once again gave my Mom to take, gave her much hopes once more to be healthy and be able to still move around on her own... and this was enough for me....But one thing that took it's toll on me this time around, was when my Mom, while we were just hanging out, gabbing, laughing as we reminisce - pretty much all we do when we hang out - she stopped for a minute, got a serious look on her face and said: "Better talk about this now so we all know... when my time comes, I do not want anyone taking my body anywhere... I do not want to be buried where am not supposed to be.... I would rather be cremated and have my ashes spread in the ocean..." I think we all stopped from chatting and was just a bit shocked at first, then reality sat in.... and I was almost bursting in tears but kept it inside... You see, I know that this is something I should be prepared for... even the last doctor visit, I was reminded to be sure I know what to expect and what my Mom's wishes are when the time comes... just to be prepared... and though this definitely gives me an idea as to what to do - I could not help but feel LOST....

Lost... Lost like a little boy once more - not knowing what to make of thins.... Lost, as to wanting to be a little boy once more, so I do not have to face and make such decisions... Lost in thoughts as to why now my Mom brought this up... I could not help but think and wonder: "Is she feeling something that she is not telling us?" "Is she herself, preparing us... preparing me in her own way?" Maybe am just letting my imagination run once more... I do not really know... this is why I feel sooo LOST...

Later that same day, I found myself, in church once more... Praying.... Praying for more time... praying for less pain.... praying to find the strength for what else to come....