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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Pondering...

Now and again, something stops me in my tracks and makes me think of my own mortality...   about getting old and falling apart physically and mentally....  and all these thoughts actually adds up to one melancholy day...
 
"The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young."
-OSCAR WILDE, The Picture of Dorian Gray
 
I had such a day a couple of days ago....  the day started out pretty much like all my days - up at 7AM...  Coffee while I check and answer emails...  attend to pressing matters for a couple of hours or so...  and then, rush off to the Gym to get a bit of workout before they close up for lunch....  Been doing this for a few years now... and have been going to the same place, San Ming Community Gym...  I have always liked this place....  nice and big...  with lots of different machines to use...  so rain or shine, there is no excuse not to go and get a work out....    Since I have been going here for years, I have pretty much gotten to know the same nice people that comes to the place...  I have seen them go through changes - just as they have seen me, am sure....   not just the ones who goes from thin to buff - but sadly, the ones the gets frailer due to old age....  and I have even seen a few  go through the stages of having had a stroke - mild to severe... 
 
On this particular day, my attention was on this man that I have seen for years, who did have a stroke and is being helped go through rehabilitation by his wife and a caregiver/nurse...  They come to the Gym pretty much everyday, but for some reason or another on this day, I spent so much of my between workout hours staring at them go through the motions...  How the two women have to helped him get on each and every machine...  How with all his might, he tries hard to walk on the treadmill, pedal slowly on the cycling machines... and struggle so much lifting the little weights they give him.... 
 
All these got me thinking, what happens if this ever happen to me?  How do I manage?  Who then helps me go through something like this?  Or care for me, for that matter?  Worse, how do I deal with all of these, being the type of person who - for the most part - do not like to depend on anyone else, for anything....  Am more into helping out others, rather than asking for help....  I have gotten used to doing all the job on my own as getting help would just means, troubling another person - and/or making things worse, as am used to doing things my way....  So, if I cannot even get myself to ask for help on everyday matters now, how am I to ask when I get much older and more frail...  :(
 
For years, I have been told by many people that am too independent...   too much so for my own good....   and on this day, I actually Agreed with their opinions...  got scared for the future... and felt soooooo very sad....
"The complete life, the perfect pattern, includes old age as well as youth and maturity. The beauty of the morning and the radiance of noon are good, but it would be a very silly person who drew the curtains and turned on the light in order to shut out the tranquillity of the evening. Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth."
-W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, The Summing Up
 
Well, I know that I should not dwell too much on such matters... that we all get older and somehow manages though... and am sure, in a day or two, with all the work am to face and the Chinese New Year happenings to come, all these sappy thoughts will have subsided and I will be back to my normal self again... just going through the flow of life and being happy with all that there is...  so for now, pls FORGIVE the RANTS of a somewhat crazy man trying to face his inevitable old age....

2 comments:

Clarissa Johal said...

Rudi, I'm not surprised you would ponder on this, you are a very thoughtful person. I'm fiercely independent as well and have been forced into situations where I've had to rely on others. It teaches you humility and to value what independence you have, I guess. That said, I've literally crawled up stairs on my hands and knees (when I was in crutches once) because I didn't want to ask for help and couldn't manage the crutches! Think of it this way-- you would offer somebody help in a heartbeat if they needed it. It makes you feel good to do that, right? When it's your turn--somebody will do the same. We all get old and pass the torch. Take care.

wtsrudi said...

Clarissa.... Thank You so very much for the kind & wise words and insights.... plus sharing your expriences.... always much appreciated.... :)