Pondering...

Now and again, something stops me in my tracks and makes me think of my own mortality...   about getting old and falling apart physically and mentally....  and all these thoughts actually adds up to one melancholy day...

 

"The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young."

-OSCAR WILDE, The Picture of Dorian Gray

 

I had such a day a couple of days ago....  the day started out pretty much like all my days - up at 7AM...  Coffee while I check and answer emails...  attend to pressing matters for a couple of hours or so...  and then, rush off to the Gym to get a bit of workout before they close up for lunch....  Been doing this for a few years now... and have been going to the same place, San Ming Community Gym...  I have always liked this place....  nice and big...  with lots of different machines to use...  so rain or shine, there is no excuse not to go and get a work out....    Since I have been going here for years, I have pretty much gotten to know the same nice people that comes to the place...  I have seen them go through changes - just as they have seen me, am sure....   not just the ones who goes from thin to buff - but sadly, the ones the gets frailer due to old age....  and I have even seen a few  go through the stages of having had a stroke - mild to severe... 

 

On this particular day, my attention was on this man that I have seen for years, who did have a stroke and is being helped go through rehabilitation by his wife and a caregiver/nurse...  They come to the Gym pretty much everyday, but for some reason or another on this day, I spent so much of my between workout hours staring at them go through the motions...  How the two women have to helped him get on each and every machine...  How with all his might, he tries hard to walk on the treadmill, pedal slowly on the cycling machines... and struggle so much lifting the little weights they give him.... 

 

All these got me thinking, what happens if this ever happen to me?  How do I manage?  Who then helps me go through something like this?  Or care for me, for that matter?  Worse, how do I deal with all of these, being the type of person who - for the most part - do not like to depend on anyone else, for anything....  Am more into helping out others, rather than asking for help....  I have gotten used to doing all the job on my own as getting help would just means, troubling another person - and/or making things worse, as am used to doing things my way....  So, if I cannot even get myself to ask for help on everyday matters now, how am I to ask when I get much older and more frail...  :(

 

For years, I have been told by many people that am too independent...   too much so for my own good....   and on this day, I actually Agreed with their opinions...  got scared for the future... and felt soooooo very sad....

"The complete life, the perfect pattern, includes old age as well as youth and maturity. The beauty of the morning and the radiance of noon are good, but it would be a very silly person who drew the curtains and turned on the light in order to shut out the tranquillity of the evening. Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth."

-W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, The Summing Up

 

Well, I know that I should not dwell too much on such matters... that we all get older and somehow manages though... and am sure, in a day or two, with all the work am to face and the Chinese New Year happenings to come, all these sappy thoughts will have subsided and I will be back to my normal self again... just going through the flow of life and being happy with all that there is...  so for now, pls FORGIVE the RANTS of a somewhat crazy man trying to face his inevitable old age....

ALONE

Came across this man on the bench earlier today I was wandering about aimlessly... I see him, bundled up, shivering & cold, and just seems so lost in his thoughts.... and a million things entered my mind - being the way that I am.... scenarios as to why he might have been sad and serious... why he chose to sit out here - alone and cold.... Suddenly I realized, I was thinking more of myself... of feelings I go through - now and again... :(

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."-Marilyn Monroe

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
-John Lennon

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”
-Dalai Lama

sleepless in taipei...

Just past 2AM... am wide awake.... i should be happy as i just got back from a EUROPEAN trip... I am... and am not....so much on my mind.... am UNWELL...

DEFEATED

Some days, no matter how you look at it, you just feel DEFEATED.... you can go over everything any which way you want, think of other ways to go around it, improve it, change it -- but it stays the same... there is no changing the feeling.... so you just give in, let it take it's course and hopefully, move on...

and what better music to accompany you with these feelings of defeat - God Give Me Strength - Sung by Elvis Costello/Written by Burt Bacharach:

LYRICS:
(Words sung by the character in the movie given in brackets)
Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
'Cause I'm weak in her [his] wake
And if I'm strong I might still break
And I don't have anything to share
That I won't throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out [This belle is wrung out]
[He] She was the light that I'd bless
[He] She took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I can't hold onto [him] her, God give me strength
When the phone doesn't ring
And I'm lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[He] She was the light that I'd bless
[He] She took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if [he'd] she'd grant me [his] her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe [him] her from my memory
Fracture the spell as [he] she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, I'm only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

[instrumental]
Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[He] She was the light that I'd bless
[He] She took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

"grateful... duly grateful, I am..."

now and again, the feeling of loneliness gets the BEST of US... yes myself included... and when we let this DEPRESSION get the BEST of US - we go deeper and deeper... lower and lower - till we feel so LOST, ALONE and worst, WITHOUT HOPE...

been seeing a lot of POSTS lately about being SAD, feelings of Emptiness and of ALONEness.... I cannot help but be affected by it... especially from those whom I consider friends... family... love ones... after all, we are all CONNECTED one way or another... I wish that there is something I could do or say to CHEER YOU UP.... to GIVE YOU HOPE.... to MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.... to MAKE YOU FEEL THAT THERE REALLY ARE MANY THINGS IN LIFE TO STILL BE GRATEFUL FOR...

Alas, am not well versed in such matters.... now am I ARTICULATE enough to spread Words of Wisdom... instead, I will SHARE with you a song written by John Bucchino - it is touching and sentimental... cheesy and corny... but it will remind you of all the LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MAKES IT WORTHWHILE TO GET UP EACH & EVERY MORNING.....

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I first heard this many years ago from Australia's David Campbell CD.. and loved it ever since.... now and again, I play it just to be reminded of all the things I have to be GRATEFUL for....

GRATEFUL

I've got a roof over my head,
I've got a warm place to sleep.
Some nights I lie awake counting gifts
Instead of counting sheep.
I've got a heart that can hold love,
I've got a mind that can think.
There may be times when I lose the light
And let my spirits sink,
But I can't stay depressed
When I remember how I'm blessed

Grateful, grateful,
Truly grateful I am.
Grateful, grateful,
Truly blessed
And duly grateful.
In a city of strangers,
I've got a family of friends.
No matter what rocks and brambles fill the way,
I know that they will stay until the end.
I feel a hand holding my hand --
It's not a hand you can see
But, on the road to the promised land,
This hand will shepherd me
Through delight and despair,
Holding tight and always there.
Grateful, grateful,
Truly grateful I am.
Grateful, grateful,
Truly blessed
And duly grateful.
It's not that I don't want a lot
Or hope for more, or dream of more,
But giving thanks for what I've got
Makes me so much happier than keeping score.
In a world that can bring pain,
I will still take each chance --
For I believe that, whatever the terrain,
Our feet can learn to dance.
Whatever stone life may sling,
We can moan or we can sing.
Grateful, grateful,
Truly grateful I am.
Grateful, grateful.
Truly blessed
And duly grateful.

...kindness...

4 on Kindness

(led by one from a Personal Favorite of mine, Lao Tzu, Father of Taoism)

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love. -Lao Tzu

If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.

-Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. -Charles Kuralt

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly
endless. -Mother Theresa

=======================================
I know that I will only pass once,

This troubled world of ours that we share.

Kindness, I hope, am able to pass,

Good deeds, i wish, I am able bear.

All these and more,

Let me share while I can.

For I know I shall never

Pass this way again.

-Baxter-Ramblings

...feelings....

"Circumstances controls our feelings...

if only our feelings can control circumstances.."

all as they should be

...waiting...

Waiting for What??? I do not really know... but now and again, and am sure am not alone on this - we find ourselves waiting... Waiting for something to Happen that shocks us... excites us.... inspires us.... motivate us.... make us feel we are alive.... and for the most part, we are Waiting in vain.... and so, the only thing to do is SNAP OUT OF IT.... Maker things happen... Just Do!!!

Honestly, as most of you who knows me very well, knows how much I HATE to wait.... wait in lines for anything.... wait for something to complete a collection.... wait for results on any kind of designs that needs approval.... and most especially, wait for anyone... for anything....

in the meantime, here's a few INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES on the subject matter:

Random Quotes on WAITING

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
Barack Obama

The man for whom time stretches out painfully is one waiting in vain, disappointed at not finding tomorrow already continuing yesterday.
Theodor Adorno

You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
A. A. Milne

We shall never have more time. We have, and always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going... Concentrate on something useful.
Arnold Bennett

Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen... yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.
Bradley Whitford

hotness ensues....

Pretty much sums up what am feeling.... just too darn hot!!!

Hope you are all having a fairer weather in your neck of the woods....

if I could ESCAPE....

First day of Mar... Spring is here!!! The weather is getting better and better.... and before it gets to be Summer time when it is just way too hot (almost everywhere in the world), people everywhere are planning their escapes / vacations... and rightly so as it is the time of the year when traveling is at it's best.... not too hot yet, and not too cold anymore... best for walking about and taking in the sights.... flowers are blooming.... and weather generally nice, so people everywhere are in a much more friendlier state...

so pick a location you have always wanted to go to... take enough time off... ESCAPE & ENJOY SPRINGTIME!!!

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For Now I leave you a few quotes on ESCAPE:

As Mark Weiner puts it, whether you gain 50 pounds or lose 50 pounds, whether you have a sex change operation for that matter, that it doesn't matter, that there is some part of ourselves that we cannot escape. Todd Solondz

At 20, 25, 30, we begin to realise that the possibilities of escape are getting fewer. We have jobs, children, partners, debts. This is the part of us to which literary fiction speaks. Mark Haddon

Beauty for some provides escape, who gain a happiness in eyeing the gorgeous buttocks of the ape or Autumn sunsets exquisitely dying. Langston Hughes

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. William S. Burroughs

Every life is narrow. Our only escape is not to run away, but to learn to love the people we are and the world in which we find ourselves. Mark Haddon

Faces that have charmed us the most escape us the soonest. Walter Scott

...still raining....

Friday, with the Chinese NY holiday still in effect (banks and post offices still closed); and the rain not letting up one bit - we have been stuck indoors for the most part... even bundled up, it is quite freezing to be out... we have been basically just watching DVDs and reading a lot.... the WI FI connection is in and out so NET SURFING is limited... not much motivation to go work out, even with the GYMs just opening now... too cold to swim... and cannot run by the river as it is just too wet and muddy the last two days... one, especially someone like me, could go batty...

So I try to stay sane by taking little walks now and again.... even just around, just to get out.... today though, we ventured out a bit... took the MRT to MIRAMAR and walked around the mall... lots of people out and about, all bundled up, all freezing... but it was nice to see happy, smiley people all around...

and we were able to treat ourselves into catching a film... with not much playing now (as am still waiting for NINE, UP IN THE AIR and a few others to come out) we went and saw "I Love You Phillip Morris" - not knowing a thing about it as I really did not hear much about the making of it... but from the POSTER alone one can gather that it is of the GAY nature -- but I still was not convinced as I could not imagine Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey playing homosexuals, much more lovers!!! But that they did and did it SURPRISINGLY WELL!!! Don't want to talk much about the movie as I feel it is best to see it if you know nothing at all about it... just be surprisingly entertained... it was well worth braving the cold rainy weather for...

At the end of the film, I found out that it was a TRUE STORY and it boggles my mind more how Jim Carrey's character got away with what he did... so now, I have to write to a few friends in TEXAS and confirm it all...

"...rainy days & mondays..."

"...always gets me down"....

so the song goes.... fitting for this Monday morning when it is raining like Cats & Dogs once more.... so much so, so gloomy, that it should get one down...

but not ME, NOT TODAY!!!

am FIGHTING it all the way.... instead I will look for the RAINBOW!!

SMILING MOON

as we were on our run tonite by the river, I could not help but notice the moon is shaped in a way that it is PERFECTLY SMILING down us all... it gave me such a WONDERFUL feeling and put me in such a happy mood... re-energized me even... after the run, I just had to go back out there with camera in tow - to capture it... so am sharing with you all in case you missed it...

hEaRt

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tries and a touch that never hurts..."

guess i should not have complained...

LOLs... was just complaining how HOT it is becoming already - see last entry - and right away, mother nature answered with a couple of days of hard rain.... Monday & Tuesday, it was raining like cats a& dogs here in Taipei.... and COLD!!! Good thing the last two days I had so much to do indoors, I really did not have to venture out in the wet coldness... 'cept when I went out for exercise... it is nice to have rain now and again, especially at nite.... the sound of the pouring rain is music to my ears and enough to put me to sleep right away.. I just wish it would be limited to night time... I get such a relaxing, nostalgic, moody feeling when it rains...

Well, today is Wednesday, another day.... not sure what mother nature has in store for me... already it is cold & foggy out - but like our emotions, it changes as quickly as we can snap our fingers....

So What If It's A Rainy Saturday?

Rain, Rain, & lots more of rain all day and all nite long on this Saturday... still, we did not let that stop us from making the most of the day -- it is the weekend after all... and don't we all love and look forward to weekends...

Started the day by going to the GYM...we wanted to get a bit of exercise out of the way so as to not feel to GUILTY from all the eating and vegetating we will be doing on this day... Came home and rushed to get ready to see "Quantum of Solace, the new BOND movie.... right after, we had Japanese food for lunch... and then walked around a bit at the BREEZE Center, where most of our time was spent inside the KINOKUNIYA Bookstore... taking refuge from the rain.... when it let up a bit - we rode home... got a bit wet but still was satisfied with our first half of the day.... Came back home and did some work... answered lots of emails and worked on a few more things that needed looking after....
Around 5:30PM, we decided to walk over to the Roahe Night Market for din-din... it is still raining and actually, is pouring even harder now... the walk was less than half an hour so it was nice, though wet.... The usually bustling Roahe Night Market was anything but this evening... due to the rain, most people stayed away... which was a pleasant change for us... we did not have to navigate at a snail pace through hoards of people just to get to the food... so we were two happy, wet, campers.... besides, as an added bonus the street was lined with lite up trees, all set for XMas...Got our fill and walked back home... did a bit more of work and now we are awaiting for our FAVE shoe, SUPER IDOL... one of Taiwan's equivalent to AMERICAN IDOL... we watch it religiously...well, whenever we are in Taiwan anyway... Perfect way to end the nite... and dream of what tomorrow will bring...

Hope you are all having a nice weekend -- wet or dry....d

...what a difference a day makes.....

(PHOTOS: "rainy" was taken yesterday; while "sunny" is from this morning..... Photos were taken from the park across my home...)

It is that time of the year again when the WEATHER here in Taipei goes from one extreme to the next..... you can be having a wonderful clear nite and wake up to a very stormy day...... just like yesterday, it was raining "cats & dogs".... it was sooo hard and frustrating to get around and for sure, you will be coming home drenched - no matter how big your umbrella is... wind blowing from all directions... as it there was a typhoon -- but it was definitely not a typhoon....

TODAY though, I woke up to another BRIGHT SUNNY day...as if yesterday did not even happen at all.... and my "hunky" friend was even back doing his morning stretches....

such is the weather.... much like life... you never know what it will be from one day to the next..... so you just go with the flow.... all the while smiling.... as you cannot fight it....