Mother's Day 2015

The Month of May.. Used to be it just signifies the freshness of Spring Blooms and Summer Rains...  Of Celebrating Moms all over the world...  All of it equals Love Love Love!!!

But for me, May, now also marks the Anniversary of Mom's passing...  When she finally lost her battle with Breast Cancer...  This year will be the 3rd Anniversary of her passing. So for me, each year, May will be forever bittersweet...

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Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day, Mom! 

There are times when I wish I could see you again- even for just a day..  Even in my dreams...  You are surely missed, and am happy to keep you in my thoughts and heart everyday.

16 Years!!!!

16 years ago yesterday, January 9th,  I arrived in Taipei, Taiwan to make a go of a new life...  And what a life it has been...  Would not change any part of it. Okay maybe one or two - but truly, for the most part it has been filled with adventures & happiness...  Got to spend more time with my family in The Philippines....  Got to spend tine with Mom and Dad before their passing.., see my nephews and nieces grow into adulthood...  and have been Blessed to be a part of another family, The Wus!!! 

To You, Thanks for being my Best Friend, Biz Partner, and my Family all these years...  Through the Ups and Downs we have managed to stick it out...  Here's to more years of adventures, more countries to explore, and more of everything to come...

Mom

"Her  memory is as dear today,

As in the hour she passed away."

In memory of the 2nd Anniversary of Mom's Death.  

Love and Miss You, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day!

This month now only marks the celebration of Mother's Day, it also marks the 2nd Year Anniversary of my mom's Death...  

I still cannot believe it has been 2 years already...  Memories of my monthly trips to  Manila as she battled Breast Cancer are still fresh in my mind, as well as the Heart...it surely so Bittersweet - Sweet that i got to spend more time with her before passing away..  Bitter that it was under  the terrible circumstances..  

It was one of the lowest point in my life..  Having to go through the experience with my mom..  Trying to pretend to be strong to make her smile and give her more reasons to hang in there a but more...  And going through a few things in my own Personal life at the same time..

Still, I managed to survive it all..  I figured, if my Mom could live through the agony of what she was going through with the Cancer - sleepless nights, pain and discomfort, and the emotionally draining realization of what she was facing - what I was going through was small enough to overcome...  And overcome all of it, I did...  And I honestly believe, with her help, I became a stronger person.,,  Thanks Mom!

"We L💗VE & Miss you, Mom!!!"

 

.. And a Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms in my family and friends' circles...  As well as all the Moms, and Moms to be, in the World!

Happy Holidays!!!

In just 4 days it will be XMas...  Been counting the days...  So I should not be surprise and yet, here I am still trying to figure out how time could have flown by so fast!!!  

I think really, the trouble lies in the fact that I have been trying so hard to make myself busy with work...  With the Typhoon Haiyan Charity Event am hosting on FB... Babysitting...  And in between, filling up my time with going here and there, finding the XMas spirits  in forms of Holiday displays... All in hopes of forgetting the fact that am not going to Manila again this Christmas.... 

XMas Splendours: Here, There, Everywhere Photos

 

Find them I did!!  And I must say, am pretty happy with what i have seen...  Though sadly, in Taiwan, it is pretty much on the Retail side...  Most are from the malls, department stores, and shops...  Telling us all to be Merry, give the Gift of Love - all of course, can be purchased through them...  Lol!

Xinyi Districe XMas Wonderland: Year after year, this place always keeps me Merry with their wonderful displays... SEE THEM ALL HERE!

 

Unlike the Xmasses in Manila: Where you go to church with the family for Simbang Gabi (Night Mass culminating to XMas eve)...  Then you reward yourself with Puto Bungbong and Bibingka treats - both Filipino treats traditionally served over the Holidays.;   Where everywhere you turn, houses are decorated festively - inside and out!;  Where children comes around to sing Christmas Carols in hopes of making some XMas money for themselves...;  Where every night from about a week before XMas, through the New Year Celebration, is a nite of festivities and getting together with family and friends...;  Where everyone, no matter how rich or poor, seems to be able to find happiness in these joyous days!  I miss all these..  To me, this is what Christmas is all about.

Though my last Xmas in Manila was somewhat bittersweet - with it being the last Christmas my Mom was alive - I can still look back and Be Happy...  Those days - the ups and the downs - will Forever be embedded in my mind and heart...  And I would not have trade them for the world...  It was the last time I saw my Mom lively...   It was a Quiet one (with basically just Mom, my Stepfather and myself)  but nonetheless a Happy one... We still had a pretty nice feast - with neighbours (Mom's friends) bringing over this and that...  Mom being sooo happy with each and every caroler that comes by (though it's the same ones each and every night, singing the same songs..)  Seeing the joy in her face over this little thing was enough to bring tears to my eyes....  Seeing and feeling genuine Happiness from her with having at least, one of her children with her for the Holidays....  All these are still fresh in my mind....   They have become part of those "WARM FUZZY FEELINGS" one gets over the Holidays....  This is now my Second XMas without Mom...  Am coping but I do realize now that it is True what people say: "The Pain of Loss does not go away - but it does get better."  

XMas 2011: Last XMas with Mom.

 

And I also accept the fact that "People are People"...  As much as it hurts at times, especially during the Holidays, the feeling of being forgotten, taken for granted, or being spoken badly of - I know that I must learn to let go and just move on...  Just live my life and let the

others live theirs...  To not be hurt so much with other people's words and actions...  We all have our own lives to live, and we live them the way we best know how...  

So, I focus on this: Trying to stay positive..  Making the most and being Merry with what I do have... And just keeping my Loved Ones - the dearly departed and the far away ones - at Heart!  And wish one and all the Happiest of Holidays and the Best that 2014 has to offer!!!  

Keep Safe and Be Happy All!!!

Ghosts of Christmas Past!

"A Happy Memory is a hiding place for Unforgotten Treasures."

-Paul L. Powers

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With Christmas fast approaching - it is  always good to look back

at some of the past ones...

 they bring back memories that are dear to us...

1993:  XMas totally dedicated to that loving Pooch, Baxter! 

San Francisco, CA - USA

2003: Narita Airport

Narita, Japan

2007: XMas with the Family

Taytay, Rizal - Philippines

2010: Attending an  XMas Pa.rt given by

the PNN Group

Manila, Philippines

2011: last Christmas spent with Mom

Rizal, Philippines

2011: Hanging with Juju, GioGio, Lisa et Gaspard

Taipei, Taiwan

Dedications..

Today we honour our loved ones who have moved on to Heaven...  You are all Missed Terribly...  Thank you for watching over all of us.....

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And today, we also want to wish our Indian Friends a Wonderful & Fun Day Celebrating Diwali!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

You are surely missed..  

Forever you will be   in my thoughts and my heart...  

Here's hoping you are looking down on us, and feeling happy..  I love you, Mom!

Mom: 1st year Death Anniversary

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."

Mother's Day 2013

Well, I know it is the day after...  I did the ritual:  thought of my Mom a lot, prayed in Church, and tried to smile through it all..  It, being the fact that it is the first Mother's Day since her passing...

 

Having left my Mom's side at a young age to live with my Dad in the US, I have spent many a Mother's Day without her... not to mention, living apart for so many years - me in the US and now in Taiwan - while is in the Philippines with her 2nd family...  so, not having her around really is nothing new...  I should have been used to it....

 

Still, this time it was different...  I ended up feeling such emotions as longing and wishing...  Longing for my Mom...  and the opportunities to see her now and again....  Longing to see her smiling face when I come through the door to wish her a Happy Mother's Day - with or without flowers in tow...  she always have the same smile - happy and full of life.... and Wishing I could just pick up the phone and call her on this very day, even if I could not make it to see her.... 

 

But that is all quite impossible now... but I do know in my heart that she knows how am feeling... how she is missed and loved... and will be forever more....    and in some ways, I do know that she is looking after me....  still dream of her now and again....  having conversations with her....  though I do not see her face in my dreams - I do know it is her am talking with... sharing some times with....  and for this, am Happy!

Above Photo:  Possibly the only photo of me with her, when I was a little boy, in existence.... the Baby girl is my half sister...  not sure who the teenager girl is though....

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom... 

Simply, I Love and Miss You!!!

Day of the Dead

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

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1st Year to Honour the departed ones with Mom included....   am fine for the most part - but still, the longing is there....  still find myself wanting to call her.....  thinking how she is doing....  wanting to visit her.....  wanting to share what is going on with me at the moment....    No Matter...  I am sure she is looking down on me, on us - sharing our sorrows and triumphs....

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Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind. -William Wordsworth

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and as we remember this day - All Soul's Day & Dia De Los Muertos - the love we shared with those who have gone, may we also cherish the moments that we share with the people still in our path.

Quick Trip

Just had one of the fastest trip to Manila....  sometimes, my schedule works out like so that I have no choice but to make a quick run to Manila; do all that I needed to do; and fly back to Taipei right away...  It was OK... tiring but OK.... though I really did no get to see Family this time.... still it was OK....  I got to do what I needed to do plus I even got to visit Mom's resting place, as I will not be around come All Soul's Day.... 

 

Even got to visit a very beautiful Church from the 1500's, Taytay Church, located nearby....

In The Pink for Breast Cancer

Illustrator: Maísa Chaves www.halfy.deviantart.com
www.halfy.deviantart.com/gallery/35648658

 

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!  Most of you know, I lost my Mom to this terrible disease, earlier this year - after a year and so long battle....  So, needless to say, this Cause is dear to me....  I hope one day, a cure will indeed be found...  but in the meantime - let us all do our share to get our love ones (family, friends, partners, etc) to take the test....  to know/learn more about it...  how to detect it, and what preventative measures there are for it...

Remember: "Nobody’s immune to breast cancer. When we talk about breast cancer, there’s no women or superwomen. Everybody has to do the self-examination monthly. Fight with us against the enemy and, when in doubt, talk with your doctor.”

Free With The Wind

Mom's Ashes scattered at Paracale Beach... Just as she wanted...

Realization

Dateline: june 30th
2:42AM - mid Flight on Cebu Pacipic Air
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On my Monthly flight back to Manila... Same Old, Same Old.. Same hour long bus ride from Taipei City to Taoyuan International Airport.. Same looooong wait to check in and then to board... Same Airline Carrier, Cebu Pacific... Even some of the same smiley flight crew... Same arrival in the wee hours of the morning... But one thing surely is not the same, this time around, there will be no Mom to visit or look after... Oh how it breaks my heart...

The 2nd actually will mark Mom's 40th day since she passed away... A big day for the Catholics as it supposed to signify.....

On that day, my sis and i plan on taking her ashes back to Bicol.. To fulfill her last request.... That she gets back to her hometown, her Province... Her ancestral home... To pay a visit to her parents' - our grandparents' - tombs... And then to scatter her ashes in the ocean...

Possibly the last big thing I will be doing for my Mom... Besides saying prayers for her almost every night.. Besides lighting a candle in her honour at church, each and every Sunday... Besides talking to the little brown butterfly that hangs in the house of late - I still say it IS Mom... And besides thinking of her constantly.. And missing her...

Am sitting on the plane right now writing with tears flowing down... Saddened by the realization once more that Mom is gone... Truly Gone...

The Tears might subsides in time... But will the longing ever really do?

...on the 9th Day...

Yesterday was the 9th day of my Mom's Death prayer vigil....   For Catholics, it is a tradition to have a nightly prayers for the dearly departed, with a special meaning to the 9th Day as it supposedly helps the deceased move on to the afterlife....

Though am not in manila anymore to take part in the nightly prayers, i have been good enough to pass by a church each and every nite, almost the same time as they are having the prayer vigils in Manila....   last nite was no different, I stopped by this little Chapel a few blocks from our home...  I was LUCKY ENOUGH that it was still opened, as it was already too late to go over to St Christopher's Church....

Prayers offered....  candles lit....  hoping that Mom has  smooth transition to the After Life....  

While at IKEA yesterday for a coffee/dessert break with Juju,  this family of 4 came to eat, as well....  this Grandmother and Boy caught my attention....  and suddenly I found tears running down my face....   The woman reminded me so much of my Mom....  I guess, it really will take some time....  :(

In Loving Memory: Mom

On the morning of May 24th, about 5:55AM, Mom passed away....   quietly in her own hom....  yes it was expected, as on the 20th - I ahve finally agreed to keep her off the Breast Cancer Medicine she had been taking for a little over a year....  Expected, but nonetheless a total shock as it came just waty too fast....  in my mind I was thinking, was hoping that we will still have, at least another month with her... 

I arrived on the 17th and was shocked to see the condition she was in....  so frail....  could not move at all as each movement meant screams of pain....   she looked so drawn and sooooo lacking of sleep.....   she has lost lots of weight from not being able to eat anymore....  she tosses and turns...  and cries every 5 mins or so..... with each cry a plea to stop the pain....  stop the suffering....  and now and again, a plea, a wish to see her other children.....  and when she calms down, she talks of being ready... that when DEATH comes for her, then she is already more than willing to accept and go....

This wish of her came true in the forms of my older sis, Rowena (along with her Hubby BR)  and my half sister Barbara....  they happened to have both come on the same day....  spending a bit of time with Mom....  which in turn, made her happy.... and I was, too, as I knew these visits are the kind of visits she looks forward to....  and adds life in her....  we gave her pain medications and sleeping pills around 7PM - hoping it will help give her some rest.....   it took a while to take effect - signs that the doctor said meant she is in her last days....   I stayed up with her till about 3AM...  when she seemed to have calmed down a bit....   and actually fell into sleep......  I went upstairs and got some shut eyes...  leaving her with Ate Malou, her caregiver that stays up with her in the middle of the nite....

a little before 6AM, I was awaken by my stepfather calling out my name.... he in turn was awoken by Ate Malou...   Mom, quietly passed away in her sleep....  I help her hands and wept....  stroked her head, all the while saying: "Rest Now My Dear Mom...  Be with your parents, siblings and love ones who have also moved on....  I Love You...."    I wept some more....  stopped for a little bit to call my Sister and inform her...  and notified my other siblings and family....  and stayed with my Mom for a bit more before I gather myself up to arrange all the funeral services....  all the while weeping.....

Unconditional Love

The Priest's Sermon this Sunday had me in tears....  maybe it was because I had just spoken to my Mom before Mass began...  the Sermon was  all about Unconditional Love...   and ACCEPTANCE....  seems that this is the running theme for me this whole week....  everywhere I turn, just another reminder that I need to ACCEPT THINGS as they are...  stop being fighting it for whatever SELFISH reason I might have....  and most of all, do not use LOVE as an EXCUSE for NOT ACCEPTING WHAT IS TO BE....

and right after the Sunday Service, as I was walking about just trying to get my mind of things, I happen upon this writing:

Acceptance is letting everything come.

Love is letting everything be.

Forgiveness is letting everything go.

Wisdom is letting all things arise, flourish and release themselves naturally.

Awareness is restful attentiveness, letting everything happen.

Enlightenment simply is.

...and yet another reminder that falls into the ACCEPTANCE theme.... haiiiiis.....   will try to sleep it all  off now....  tomorrow is another day...   another week.... GOODNIGHT ALL!!!

simply, i love you Mom...

"No gift to your mother can ever equal her gift to you - life!"

This could very well be my Mom's last Mother's Day with us, physically...  but am taking comfort that she will be forever be celebrating this special day...  as well as, all the other Holidays and just about everyday, whether here or just looking down on us, when her time comes....

I know each day fighting this disease take it's toll on you Mom....  still, you think of how it affects us - and you worry....   there's been times when you already want to give up as you do not like to see us suffering - but really, it IS you who is putting up with so much more suffering....  Been SELFISH thinking about LOSING YOU and  facing each day WITHOUT YOU here with us....   even from afar....  I have let these feelings and selfishness take over me and somewhat lose sight of what you want....  what you ask of me....   AM SO VERY SORRY.... 

Now I see much more clearly.....  I do not want you to SUFFER anymore than you already have... you already do....  I know now that it is not about LETTING GO, but about LOVING YOU SO MUCH  TO  ACCEPT...  TO  RESPECT....  and TO FOLLOW YOUR WISHES.... 

I regret not being able to Celebrate this day with you today - but will see you soon enough...

UNPREPARED

of course!   no matter how I have been, supposedly, preparing myself for this time - I still find myself unprepared and lost....

almost a month now have gone by since I was in Manila last....   the time when I heard from my Mom's lips that" "she had made Peace with the Lord... and that if it's her time already, she is more than prepared..."  words that I said to myself will make me decide to also let go and let nature take it's course with her condition....   in other words, stop with the Cancer medicines that has been prolonging her life....

I had till the 5th of this month, when the pills would have run out....   I was tortured, day in and day out, all the days... trying to decide what to do...   trying to prepare myself even more....  still, am not....  when the time came, I still broke down and sent money to my stepfather for my Mom's meds....

But now, it is truly out of my hands....  been on the phone with them constantly, while am trying to do my work in Taipei....   besides, no matter where I am, my thoughts are always back in the Philippines....  with my Mom....  always on the phone just monitoring her condition from afar....   talking with her just to make her feel she is loved and not sooooo alone....   to assure her that her children, no matter how far away and how busy, still thinks of her and love her in each our own way....

the last few weeks, her condition has been deteriorating...  eating less and less.... and in pain more and more....   and the last few times I have called, not only my stepfather - but my Mom herself had been telling me that she is in soooo much pain and that she cannot take anymore...  in her words: "what medicine can I NOT TAKE anymore - so as to not prolong this suffering..."   words that put me in tears, each and every time....  and put me in a depressed state....  not really having any family to discuss these matters with, am left feeling all alone and lost... 

today, when I called, I was told by my stepfather that her right side, where she is affected more by the breast cancer, has finally given in...  no longer can she move her right side... not the arm, not the legs.....  and this sent her into a more depressed stage....   and this idea alone makes me feel so very sad for my Mom....  I can only imagine how even low her morale is....    and it really does not help that no one has visited her since I was there last....  since moving to her new home, no friends or family has come to see her....  a sad fact but something I cannot change - and not from NOT TRYING....  no one even bothers to talk with me about what is going on with her....   so I just accept all these, and just  try to make my Mom not feel so unwanted - as much as I can, however I can....

so now, her cancer meds is good  till about the 20th of May....  she is told that they are there and it is very much up to her if she wants to take them or choose not to - everything up to her and how she feels.....  that all will be just OK with us....  A LIE on my part but am RESPECTFUL of her decision....   no matter how I look at things, no matter how I  tell myself that in the long run she is better off as it means her suffering will be less and shortened - a big part of me is still struggling with the thought...  the thought that her end is getting nearer and nearer....  Selfish on my part, but I do admit that the idea of being Motherless paints such a sad, sad photo in my life....   but one I must ACCEPT and FACE....  not for myself, but for my Mom....