In The Pink for Breast Cancer

Illustrator: Maísa Chaves www.halfy.deviantart.com
www.halfy.deviantart.com/gallery/35648658

 

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!  Most of you know, I lost my Mom to this terrible disease, earlier this year - after a year and so long battle....  So, needless to say, this Cause is dear to me....  I hope one day, a cure will indeed be found...  but in the meantime - let us all do our share to get our love ones (family, friends, partners, etc) to take the test....  to know/learn more about it...  how to detect it, and what preventative measures there are for it...

Remember: "Nobody’s immune to breast cancer. When we talk about breast cancer, there’s no women or superwomen. Everybody has to do the self-examination monthly. Fight with us against the enemy and, when in doubt, talk with your doctor.”

Overlooking Things... and People, too.....

"The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook."
-William James
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In life, there are THINGS we just need to overlook to be able to move on... been told this many a times, and it is sooo TRUE that I have learned the art of overlooking things... and SADLY, this applies to people, too... So many come to our lives for one reason or another... to make our lives better... to impart wisdom... and yes, to wreck havoc.... we have to take them all in stride... take in the good ones and keep them... and Toss Over the latter ones... I would not say never to look back, as we need to, or else we will fall for the same types again and again....

With all the things going on with my MOM, I am beginning to see more and more, who TRULY CARES and who could not be bothered... sadly, some of these said people are the ones my MOM, should matter the most to... For so many days now, I know that my MOM has longed to hear from them - but NOTHING! Not that I did not even give it a chance and try to also send on this message to these people - still, NOTHING! It matters not to me, but it PAINS me to see my MOM HURT over this... so, will just try my BEST to make her think of these matters, or these people less and less...
and friends, well, TRUE FRIENDS have acknowledged what my MOM is going through... while others, it seems cannot be bothered... and not because they have not been into contact with me, as most have... but what am going through with my MOM's condition was neither acknowledged or brought up whatsoever.... as if, I did not even come back from Manila - beaten and brokenhearted from the doctor's findings... Am just expected to continue on - like nothing major is wrong.... expected to do this and that.... and take care of this and that... as if, all that matters is what everyone else is going through - and what am dealing with is NOTHING....

Maybe I should look at it, like they feel am STRONG and have ALWAYS BEEN... that they know I can HANDLE/WILL HANDLE things... as always... Still, a few COMFORTING WORDS would have meant so much.... :( But that is just asking for too much when it comes to some people...

Black Saturday

“Black Saturday, falls between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.... a time to ponder on the significance of the Holy Week and to properly observe its traditions with religious fervor, without prejudice to public interest,”

While some go away on Holidays.... Fun In The Sun.... Pilgrimage... stay at hoe for a much needed rest.... go about the traditions of the Holy Week... or like myself, sadly, back working the weekend away -- we must also remember to give prayers for our love ones, friends, family, and of course, the less fortunate...

Needless to say, am offering much needed prayers for my MOM, this year....

INOPERABLE

It's been a a few days since I met with the Breast Specialist to have all my MOM's test results read.... Hoping for some kind of GOOD NEWS, even a tiny one at that - but there were NONE... hence, why it took me a bit longer to put it all into words, as each time I try to write, tears just comes streaming down...

Anyway, Tuesday the 19th, I went to speak with the doctor... my MOM did not come, of course - as I have mentioned in the previous BLOG - as far as she was concerned, the CT Scan was the last of the hospital visits for her.... Got to the Doctor's office at 3PM - her operational hours are 3pm till 6pm... and with the looming Holy Week, Tuesday i knew, was the last I could see her, before flying back to Taipei Friday... Needless to say I was nervous the whole time.... and it did not help that she was help up taking care of another patient and did not get to me till an hour and a half later... an hour and a half, waiting in the lobby... with the other women and posters of Breast Cancer all over the wall...

So first thing was having the doctor look at all the test results... CT Scan, Blood, Bone Scan, Liver Ultrasound... it did not take long.... and with one SIGH from her, I knew it was not good at all... still I hoped, as I waited for her words to come out... 2 sentences into it, I already lost it... tears rolling down and the feeling of suffocation settled in....

The doctor was kind enough to bear with me, and explained all to me... it boils down to the fact that, even if I can convince my MOM to get a MASTECTOMY - it would not do any good for two reasons (and age had nothing to do with it):

1) The cancer has spread out way too much... in her spinal, her liver and of course, her chest....
2) and the most devastating news: she has rendered the CANCER LUMP as INOPERABLE... it has gotten too big, too hard - and too much sticking to my MOM's chest...(Even
more tears flowed at this point...)

She went on to say that in cases like my MOM's... we should be LUCKY to have another year with her.... and that we need to prepare ourselves for the worst and the pain she is sure to endure in the final stages... starting with the back pains she has been suffering from of late.... and possibly the Liver giving out - as there is a big Cancer spot there, too....

The only thing the doctor can prescribed for my MOM at this point are pain killers that she has to take 4 times a day... and this EXPENSIVE medicine that she has to take each day to help with the big lump on her chest.... The rest is up to us -- to keep my Mom STRESS FREE, so as to not lower her IMMUNE DEFENSES.... to keep her HAPPY and VITAL throughout.... and to be Prepared as to what to do when the time comes....
The first two are easy enough, but how does one prepare for when the time comes???

Little Boy Blue

today, at the doctor's offce, as she read the findings from the various tests my MOM took (as I have documented here on 365) - I could not help but feel like a little boy lost once more.... all I could think of was to crawl into bed, curlp up into a little ball, and cry myself to sleep...

no matter how much we think we are so prepared, we really cannot be prepared, when it comes to such matters....

All was EXPECTED but none-the-less, HURT SO VERY MUCH....My Mom... and that's me on the bike.... somehow, I was feeling like i was at that age once again....

the last of it....

...as far as my Mom is concerned, this CT Scan, today, was the last of the tests she is willing to be subjected to.... a DECISION, I have already ACCEPTED and WILL RESPECT & FOLLOW!

This is the last of the test that her Breast Cancer Doctor had asked for... basically, all we are doing is finding out how far and how much the CANCER has spread... as it has already been determined her Breast Cancer are in it's final stages....

Again, though my MOM was braved enough to take these tests upon my insistence, she had asked not to know anymore, what the doctor has to say - upon going over the results... am to just tell her the good parts... so now I HOPE for some GOOD PARTS.....
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It was my first time to see a CT Scan machine.... it is actually pretty SLEEK, COOL & Futuristic looking.... but oh-so-expensive - both the machine itself and what people gets charged for what it does....

ACCEPTANCE & RESPECT

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.”

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This past week, watching my MOM go through the motions of taking one test after another, upon my insistence - was TRULY DISHEARTENING.... I see her try to be brave and joke around... but I also see her body basically just give in after a few hours....

While she was going through her BONE SCAN on Friday afternoon, I spent the time talking to her husband... we basically discussed whatever we both know we cannot discuss with my MOM.... all the things that she does not want to hear.... and we both cried.... Cried for what we feel, will eventually come... He went on to tell me that my MOM had asked him to tell me that she really refuse to go through any kind of SURGERY or CHEMO Therapy for her Cancer... to make me understand that she has ACCEPTED her FATE... and that would rather live whatever time she has left - alert and still very much together, not suffering through the grinds of chemo and all.... These of course, I already know...

I also realized, from our talk, that my MOM agreed to go through all these tests because of my insistence... insisting the we know fully what we are facing... and then give her the options on what course of action to take.... hoping the findings will be favorable and the doctor will give us HOPE and choices.... But really, if she can have it her way, no more tests.... just pain killers will do....

As we wait for the last few minutes at the hospital, it hit me that I should STOP insisting what I want, what I feel is BEST... instead, I MUST ACCEPT hew wishes FULLY... RESPECT & FOLLOW THEM.... and just DO WHAT I CAN & HOPE FOR THE BEST...

"Pls No Pain..."

So after a week long trying to convince my MOM to get a CITI Scan - just so we can see exactly how far along or how far the CANCER has spread... as, at this point, there is no mistaking it is BREAST CANCER.... she has AGREED to get the SCAN... the deal is that we will get it checked and find out the STATs - then she can DECIDE , given the options, what to do next... and that her decision will be RESPECTED and FOLLOWED....

BACKTRACK: My MOM, though she has felt this LUMP on her breast for years first hide it from me... then later on when it was too noticeable to HIDE, Refused to have it looked at, for fears of the worse case scenario... as well as her, fears of hospitals.... so the past years, though she has been in and out of the hospitals, she never got it looked at and always opt to just get PAIN RELIEVER medicines and medicines for her HIGH BLOOD condition..... needless to say, the CANCER has progressed over the years - and is now, even without the BIOPSY, being declared as "TERMINAL" and "LAST STAGE CANCER"....

FORWARD TO YESTERDAY (April 14th): It was not GOOD at all... first of all, my MOM has a hard time with the long drive, so we were referred to a nearby Hospital.... of course, they could not do the CT SCAN - as their machine is not capable of what was needed... so we were sent to hospitals, after hospitals.... till we just decided to get to one of the biggest one in the city.... of course, this travel alone already took it's toll on my MOM..... and when we finally got to MEDICAL CITY, we find out that she could not just get a CT SCAN, per se.... she needed so many other LAB TESTS before she could do this... to see if she is even fit enough to stand the CT Scan.... We basically had to start from the beginning: consulted with Breast Cancer Specialist.... who gave us a long lists of laboratory tests needed before the CT SCAN.... it was already 8:30PM before we finished what can be done for the day - it was many hours and many tests means she - which I could tell, was putting my MOM in so much pain.... it did not help that she was not allowed to eat till after all these tests.... which meant she also could not take her pain medicine....

Now all that is done... and today (APRIL 15th) we go back for a NOON time appointment to get a BONE SCAN.... then next MONDAY, the actual CT SCAN - providing all is clear from the tests taken yesterday and today....

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Seeing all these, and actually seeing my MOM gets weary and tired from all of these tests - makes me feel so HOPELESS and HELPLESS.... as if whenever she looks at me, all I can see in her eyes, is: "No Pain Please..." At this point, am not even LOOKING for any MIRACLES.... am just HOPING that she really will not have to go through too much pain... no more than she already is suffering from....